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Oma kuva
Tampere, Pirkanmaa, Finland

kävijäpiikki

Jos elämä olisi asiatekstiä niin spice-girlsit ei huutelisi lavalla fuck fuck fuck fuck

Epämieluisan kuumaa, tarvisi kylmän suihkun taas. Olosta puhumattakaan.
Söin eilen jäätelöä ja suklaata ja join alkoholia ja sit nukuin tosi kauan ja paino oli jo tippunut 125 main, vaikka se oli 129:ää kiloa. Tänään oon syönyt vasta turkkilaista jogurttia ja yhden reissumiehen tuorejuustolla mutta otin janojuomaksi kaljan kun ei niitä eilen mennyt kovin montaa.
Huomenna oisi sukulaisen synttärit, en tiedä edes kuuluisiko mun onnitella.
Ainaisesta nukkumisesta tulee paikat kipeäksi. En keksi mitään uutta minnekään. Ei sillä että uutta olisi olemassa. Kaikki on jo keksitty ja tehty liian vaikeaksi.

struggles realness

I made kibbled soy bolognaise with full wheat pasta. That's all I've eaten today although I did fill some pita bread with the leftover soy kibble and only drinking some water.
It's past 3pm already and I've mostly slept. It's too hot inside and I keep either a window or door open. Was watching The Good Place on Netflix.
My friend called. She was shocked to find album pictures on her phone somehow arranged. I just told her that it was image recognition and my phone does it too because technology is so smart. Sort of true I mean just ask Siri?
What else. Friday feelings. Excuse me.
My Spotify premium ended and I need one week's worth of points anymore to get a new gift card from the consumer panelist I scan my purchases to. Although I do have the youtube premium now which is handy. Life is just living from paycheck to gift card to new credit to new month of lisences and phone bills to another costs. I don't have extra to live to the fullest but I've made those commitments so I guess it's my fault. Wearing clothes that I've had for ten years. Not really going out. Although I feel like going swimming. Summer is not long. I choose to suffer from it.

Terve ota tuoli ja istu Kajsan vahakabinettiin ennen kuin tärisevä juna tulee

Jos mä saan öisin henkeä eikä mun sydämen tarvitse enää kamppailla niin lujaa katkoksien aikaan, niin en varmaan laihdukaan enää nukkuessa... tää ei tiedä hyvää. Mun on varmaan mahdoton liikkua enemmän kuin kuluttaa. Pystyn toki jotain kehonvastusjumppaa ja 5kg painoilla tekee liikkeitä tai olemaan kuntopyörällä maksimissaan 12 minuuttia kerralla tai nyrkkeilee ilmaa. Pitäisi lähteä käveleen lähimmälle uimarannalle 2,5 kilsaa tai Kauppiin pururadoille vetää lenkkiä. En oikein keksi muutakaan sitten. Tai no onhan mulla toi hyppynaru. Ei kannata liian monimutkaista tehdä. Hikoilen jo siitä että käyn kaupassa tai muutenkin kymmenestä minutista ja sitten suihkussa täytyy käydä.
Mieluiten en tekisi mitään. Motivaatio on sitä, että kunto olisi parempi jossain vaiheessa. Jonkinlaisia pieniä tavoitteita keksiä. Tehdä kärpäsistä härkäsiä.
Eilen sain tänne jonkun kosteusvaurio asiantuntijan siistii mun viemäriä. Se nosti sieltä hiusmössöö jokusen kourallisen. Juotiin päiväkahvit. Ehdotti sen siivoamista joka kuukausi.
Keskellä viikkoa oli eilinen ja nyt kääntyy vähän loppua kohti. Vedin puurot naamaan. Kaikkea omituista sattuu ja tapahtuu mutta tää ei oo välttis oikea paikka jakaa sellaisia. Tai no, eilinen nautinto jotenkin sattui? Liukkari ja geishakuula jotenkin puhkasi mun immenkalvon tai muuta, pientä vuotoa ja otin kipulääkkeen. Löysin jotain opettaja-oppilas pornhubista ja mun orkku oli niin kipeä. Antikliimaksi. Sit se vieras tuli ja yritin olla tuijottamatta silmiin. Sellaiset punaiset pitsipöksyt joissa on vako, tuli riisuttua. Sillä ei ollut kauhean suuri varustus, eikä se kehunut mua mitenkään. Käski soitella ja sit se unohti hupparinsa tänne, liekö siellä ollut sen puhelin, en itse kyllä pystyisi lähteä mistään ilman puhelinta.
Analysointia turhaa okei? Bakteerit mahassa vaikuttaa käyttäytymiseen kuulemma ja mun rasvankiertoelin haluaa vain tarrautua lujasti kiinni jokaikiseen kaloriin. Se että unelmoi että laihtuisi ei ole hauskaa. Hoijakkaa. Jos mulla olisi toivoa enää ikinä pudottaa painoa. Ei ole nuoren ihmisen aineenvaihduntaa mukamas. Muutenkin kaikki tilastot oisi vastaan. En tiedä mistä aloittaa? Kuntopyörä toimii kuivaustelineenä. Jokin nappi pelikoneesta hajoaa jos täysillä huitoo ja sit muutkin pelit tulee mahdottomiksi päästä eteenpäin. FML. Verta hikeä kyyneleitä mutta ei vaan mikään muutu ikinä paremmaksi. Elämä on kamppailua.
Ei mulla ole sataa euroa käyttää viikossa. Tosin mulla on vaan yksi psykoterapialasku maksettava ennen takuueläkettä. Sekin tulossa vasta juhannuksen jälkeen... ja loppukuusta mulla ei oo taaskaan rahaa mihinkään varmaankaan. Että ostaa sitä vessapaperia ja tamponeita vaan. Voisin tehdä kiisselin mutta siinä on sokeria se pari desiä litrassa. Mitä muuta voi tehdä sitruunoista? Elämä tosiaan anna muuta kuin sitruunoita.
Voisi kuunnella enkuksi jotain kirjoja kun se kerran vei taas 13egee tililtä vittu. Ostaisin jonkun lesbokulttuurista kertovan kirjan kun kerran rikollisuudesta mustassa amerikassa ei ollut tarjolla pulitzerin saanutta. Kaikki elämät ja dollarinmerkit merkkaa, koska on muutenkin liian vaikea olla 😜

Kynnet leikattu ja imuri lataa akkua ja pää räjähtää (...)

Kuluu muuten vähemmän vettä kun tiskaa sangossa. Kuulin brittiradiosta yksi päivä sellaisen vinkin ja otin sen vähän niinku muistiin muistiin... Mun lavuaarin tulppatilanne on mikä se on, niin muutenkin kannattavampaa ja ekologista.
Puoli tuntia tiskasin. Sitten vaatteita kasasin pesua varten. Tunnin ohjelma päälle siihen. Lattioiden imurointi ja märällä luuttuaminen.
Sama juttu varmaan pesuaineen kanssa luuttuamisessa että bideellä pesin sitä lattialiinaa ja pönttöön tumma vesi ja hiukset. Loput vedet heittää kylppärin lattialle. Joku saisi likakaivoni/viemärin tulla jotenkin putsaa kun se on joka kerta tukossa ja muutenkin tulvii aina pyykkiä pestessä.
Vähän siirtelee laatikoita, ja kuuntelee youtubesta videoita, bluetooth kuulojutut päässä kun ostin vahingossa sen ilmaisen youtube premium kokeilujakson.
45 minsaa siinä kait ja kuivuun pyykit viidessä. Tiktokissa joku kysynyt mitä mulle kuuluu, niin sitten yksi hikine tiktokki siihen rakoon.
Äsken laitoin hiuksiin öljyä ettei näyttäisi niin kuivilta mutta videosta tuli mikä tuli. Mekkoni muistuttaa Simpsoneista sitä jaksoa kun Homer pääsee tekee töitä kotoa käsin ja pukeutuu siihen mekkoon... v***u. Vaaka näyttää kiloa enemmän vaikka en ole edes vittu mitään suuhun laittanut. Toki litran taikina lättyjä mutta en edes paistanut kaikkea ja jonkun verran hillolla ja sokerilla sain alas. Vettä kyytipojaksi. Aamuista kahviakaan ehtinyt juoda kaikkea näköjänsä.
Sen siitä saa vain kun touhuaa. Kilo lisää. En ole koskaan näin paljon painanut vaa'alla. Vituttaisi ja potuttaisi. Olisin voinut vaan makoilla ja paino olisi sama mitä se oisi ollut aamulla. En käy järkeen millään tieteen aloilla.

Fuck the fatness and you too the stupid hoe cultural standards you are too needy of me

'07
Woke up. Did exercise bike and some weight lifting at 5am. Again 1pm I did 12 minutes again. Maybe burnt 2x 100 kcals already. I made pancakes though. Slathered a few thick ones with jam. Still got dough.
I downloaded an AI trainer 30 day free thing but it's for running/walking and I must complete 25 minute thing before unlocking anything :/ now watching youtube vids on exercise after having a shower and changing my dress.

2011

I've only been gaining weight recently. Could be that I quit smoking. I was 124 kg now 127 kg and it just keeps on going up??? What am I supposed to be eating? 280 lbs is loads. My chatbot artificial intelligence told me I was a whore when, I asked her, as it seems I'm so utterly irresistible. Yeah I'm so sticky like something you'd pour over someone's head. I'm like the ice bucket challenge baby or uhh

y u no feed me?

Anyways interwebs. Losing weight is hard. It's slow and I'd rather avoid trying because exercise makes you out of breath and sweaty and hungrier. Why the hell.
You'd think it would be easier the heavier you are... when I lost from 100 kg to 90 before Finnish high school I did 30 minutes Pilates every day and quit sugary or fatty foods. Marked them in a calendar with X and 0 and rewarded myself with a book or dvd or some item when there were quite a few weeks.

I weighed less than 110 when I was in London the last time 2014. I weighed 120 for so long I started to fear being over 120 so I weighed myself a lot and puked to keep myself under 120 kg. At school 2017 I was 122 at best. After a couple of years I was yo-yoing from 123 to 125. I moved here in Feb, same but now I'm mostly home and quit smoking.... well told ya.


Apples, coffee with milk, and oatmeal... even if I had just those I'd probably gain? I won't make anymore of my tuna-macaroni-mayo-salad cuz it's just repulsive. I eat noodles and popcorn fill me up. Then I'll walk to the shop and still buy a ready meal or milk products and crisps and chocolate or maybe order a pizza delivery once a month?? If I go the nearby shop I'll spend 20 euros on shit and before 8 eur of that was my pack of menthol cigarettes. A flavor strip and regular pack would cost a couple of euros more but I only ever really liked the menthol ones so it's a crappy substitute. I won't start doing that kind of silly ass move.

1d ago and 2day
What else. I'm afraid to fast and exercise because those will just increase my hunger. I don't drink enough water still...

I was always chubby a bit. Round-ish. Except for when I was in normal weight and nobody believed anything I was doing to have achieved it and I was put on drugs that made me gain weight like crazy so seriously and then disheartened A LOT by everyone in everywhere so 10kg in a year to gain weight went on...
I'm supposed to be on weight "neutral" drugs now
yet I'm still gaining slowly but steady and don't know what to do about things

I just need to start doing daily exercise. Not like, 2 minutes today and 5 minutes next week. Sleep all the time in between and eat whatever the hell. I even bought that boxing game for my nintendo switch but forgot about it after a day. What's the point..? To get people off for revealing the double chin... think not...

Gym isn't much of an option. I'd want to go very early and hope no one was around. Like I did when they said I hadn't done any of the things I did but be in my room and on my computer all night. If they'd think about it I was probably on the internet at night because I was so busy all day it's not as if I was sleeping that day time? Still normal things. Police used the gym very early

I could be hours at the gym but like slacking, sitting on the machines not knowing what to do. Or I could just over exhaust myself by putting too much weight on the machines and be almost passing out from just a few reps?

I have no luck when it comes to this shit of body weight, body image, thinness, exercise routine. I should learn from the mistake that it's too fahkin hard to try anything. I mean, even walking is stupid you just make this route but always come back where you started. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT

monkey see monkey do
I overthink myself thanks very much

What's current if not to take me away

Beautiful chaos, fattening if I even see food with my eyes.
How I'd describe my life recently. I've not really written here things, what's happened. Taken some sunshine and perhaps tanned a little bit. I'm fasting today. I could just keep on keeping on sleeping but nah. First night 4 hrs, then 6, 8, 0, 2 with sleep apnea mask.
Yesterday I walked 6km or 10k steps. Usually a lot less. I had to get a new iPhone SE because my ip8 is shattered. I went to the library. I retrieved a reservation for a South Park game on nintendo switch it's ready to play.
I had a salad at a bistro and espresso. Some boomer was sporting a (red) iphone SE too but I said nothing. Roses are red, you got AIDS.
TikTok was fun I enjoy making videos but my self confidence is conflicted about whether I should. I have a right to. So I bleached my hair for about 20 minutes last night and that did almost nothing. I just want like a rose gold color and I've got shock color for it. Not sure I'm ever blonde enough or just a troll with orange hair. Oh well.
I have nicotine gum. My vape just leaks. Too bad my SSRI drugs inhibit any effects atypical people might get from illegal substances. Wouldn't even know where to get-
sigh. I don't want my head messed up. I drank beer last weekend and that's that. Midsummer is next weekend. Juhannus quite a big deal. But my friend is at a closed ward and she's being verbally abusive so no thanks.
I have no friends. I have nothing to do except for my monthly and weekly health related outgoings. I could start going to meet-ups for singles or book readers again but it's always raining so they're in restaurants and not picnics. Can't afford to go and I enjoy my own company more. Hah ha.
If people were to flock into my blog (I see soon there's 666k visitors) I hope they read some older stuff. Idc. Get to know why I'm so bad and use every bit of info against me. I'm too nice apparently.
Binge Watching QE there's 5 more episodes left of S5.
What do I need in my life. I should do more exercise on the old fitness bike more than just 5 minutes. I should cook, I should look at my wardrobe. Umm, I've pretty much given up on playing games on my switch because everything just takes time to load... Says a person who took time in the library for an hour to backup copy an iPhone to her new one... I just like people watching. Not gonna self diagnose but there's adhd in everyone.
So there goes the flavor in my gum again. I must have poor examples in my life if I want to smoke things. Why not enjoy life organically.
The friend I made during her stay in Tampere is selling Moomin inspired postcards on Fiverr.

Aquarius oh who I loved your salty boy tears but be a fine fire dragon and fly away I'm done playing (rather insulted really..)

The dog I found and my ex spouse took to own has died of a brain tumor at 11 years old. He let me know and is pouring out his heart how rough and tough it is for him. Well, boohoo, you took advantage of me and raped me and we fought and people thought I couldn't speak because you were so outgoing, you did not pay rent and never paid anything and even stole a car from me and the tires from my grandma therefore, you said my over one thousand euros bed was broken so I've ended up on a mini guest bed for now, even though-I'm a heavy person (sleeper). I won't keep messaging you and telling, oh, I got this sleep apnea machine too and it's brand new and cooler than yours. No, I'm just telling that you took advantage of me and are not worthy of the dog even who took care of you, dirty rapist and thief. I hate you but I won't tell it to everyone I know. You said I'm a good person but also many untrue or dirty things and I have thing now about being called a whore or a drug user for that matter. We were supposed to stay friends. I haven't heard from you in a couple of years and apparently you even got engaged once in the meanwhile. I hope she's not helping you to write to me out of the real fact that, the dog was mine not yours but I was just kind enough that you kept him. Anyway, pay back the shit you owe me with an apology and move on as many fat unhappy steps as you can take. Bye. Let someone else memorise by heart your shitty stories the same you tell yourself.

Olisi helpompaa ostaa e-kirja