Tee uparit seuraavassa risteyksessä

 Tänään voisi ottaa jonkun projektin. Jatkaa kirjojen lukemista, pelata PikminBloomia ulkona, tai pelata LotR: Onlinea mun vanhalla Windows koneella. Voisin antaa seuraajien päättää jos niitä olisi, ah hah. Eka päivitän uuteen käyttikseen mun iPhonen. Koko illan eilen päivitin tuota toista läppäriä. Pelasin pokemon go:ta ja PikminBloomia. Nintendolta tuli kolme sähköpostia siitä sovelluksesta. Vahinko? Siinä vain istutetaan kukkia reitille ja kerätään niitä otuksia ja lähetetään reissuun itsekseen kun niitä löytyy. Se että salit ja stopit kartalla on isoja kukkia joiden ympärille pitäisi istuttaa tarpeeksi kukkia, että ne tekee jotain, ei ole varmaan mitään ihmeellistä. Lotr: Rise to war taas alkaa kohta uusi kausi peliä kun kaikki valtaushommat on tehty. Komentajat saa pitää ja tavarat, muuten vaihtuu kaikki. Mun kaveri oli eilen niin innoissaan pogoilemisesta ja itse olin jo kyllästynyt, että se tarttui vähän innostus minuun. Nukuin neljä tuntia silti, unilaitteella. Join paljon colaa ennen nukkuista eikä siitä oisi oikein tullut mitään. Siis nukkumisesta, mutta sain kuitenkin ummistettua silmät ja lopetettua sängyssä seilaamisen.

Mun tilaus eilen jossa käytin kaikki mun loput rahat virtuaalilaseihin ei ole jostain syystä mennyt mun tililtä. Käytin paypalia. Ehkä se johtuu viikonlopusta ja Pyhäinpäivästä tai että mun verkko ostoksien raja tuli sittenkin täyteen, mutta oishan se mahtavaa jos ne toimittaisi sellaisen ilmaiseksi, muahahaha. Mulla olisi ulosottoon tonnin lasku, mutta näköjään luottotietoihin merkitään taas. Ja sitä paitsi jos 3kk päästä saan kuntoutusrahaa, siis positiivisesti ajatellen, jonkin aikaa niin sitä ei voi ulosmitata, häh hää. Joululahjat jää kyllä vähän viime tinkaan, ehkä. Niin ja en ole pelannut Animal Crossingia switchillä. Se päiviys taisi tulla jo. Siitä on viikko kun olen pelannut... tietty mulla oli se ruokakooma tuossa hetken aikaa. Eilisestä en ole lihonut mitään, vaaka näyttää edelleen 125:ttä.

Liikuntaneuvontaan varasin ajan. Ei hitto kun tulee vaikeammaksi aina vain. Siis luulisi että laihtuisi nopeasti mutta en vaan pääse alle 122. Vaikka mulla on lihasta kantaa itseni. Vaikka lääkkeet on "painoneutraaleja". Eikö ne voisi jotain laihduttavia lääkkeitä antaa, niinku mikä vastaisi jotain... noh, kovia lääkkeitä.. mömmöjä, tiätteks, ettei ne aina nostaisi ruokahalua samalla. Mun kalorit on varmaan enimmäkseen tulleet nestemäisellä tavalla sekä siinä samalla napostellessa.

Hain eilen myös Squid Game maskin postista. Hankin cosplayihin sopivia marmorikuulia. En tiedä mitä järkeä. Ei ehkä mitään. Sosiaalista mediaa varten yksi kuva: aika kallista. Varsinkin kun "oli hyvä ettei (mun) halloween bileistä tullut mitään". Väsähtänyttä porukkaa. Jääköön pimeys. Mun äiti käy kuulemma avantouinneissa. Ei sentään mikään mielenterveys haaste, mitä julkkikset koittaa saada aikaan. Sen takia että joka 30 sekka joku murhaa itsensä. Jääkylpyjä. Se on vanha haaste, muistan joskus 2011 kiersi se kylmää vettä niskaan ämpärillinen.

TikTokkia selaisin myös yöllä kunnes puhelin sammui itsestään. Mulla on hyvin seuraajia, vaikka en mitään arvokasta teekään. Tai siis osaa kuvata videoita kuin ne ansaitsisi päästä punaiselle matolle. En tanssi, hyvä jos saan omaa ääntä äänitettyä. Mikä järki tosiaan. Kaikki läski ym avainsanat olen kieltänyt, joten mitä jää?

Mitä olen katsonut niin täällä kävisi jokin 20 sivunkatselua päivittäin. En enää usko, että se olen vain minä tai botteja. Silti mainoksista saan ehkä sentin viikossa jos hyvin menee. Multa kysyttiin mitä blogini käsittelee. Se on kuin kysyisi "kuka olen" jossain työhaastattelussa. Tämä on päiväkirja, mun oma pieni julkinen pakkomielle. Sitä on moni yrittänyt miettiä miksi haluan "yleisöä". Just joo. Yleisöä mille, mun oireille vai, etten ole mikään sama muu ihminen. Ei teidän ole pakko myönnytellä toisia sillä paljonko kehostaan näyttää. Varsinkin kun tuntuu pahalta, jos ei edes olisi ollut kiinnostunut seksuaalisuudestansa. Överit tai alivoimaisuus. Siittäpä siittä valkkaa sitten.

Mitä lie jorisen, höpötän taas. Älä jumiudu. Ratkaisuja on. Siksi ne on aivopähkinöitä.

Mitä mulla olikaan tapana tehdä!

Olin unohtanut miten nopeasti rahaa saa kulumaan

 Kuvassa: mun "skidi" cosplay

Vein Auraasian viimeiset lapset sekä Ian McEwanin Polte kirjat Bookcrossing miitistä. Avasin läppärin josko kirjaisin ne napatuiksi. Äsken skannasin ostoksia Prismasta kuluttajapaneeliin. Ostin uuden harjan, värinpoistoa hiuksiin, leipää ja leikkeleitä ja kanaa ja pata-aineksia ja proteiinijauhetta ja sheivausteriä jne ainoat hevi osastolta taisi olla kirsikkatomaatteja. Kuitenkin meni liikaa rahaa, ei siinä. Siis kun bistrossa myös söin alkupaloiksi nacholautasen, glögin, ja uuniperunan täytteillä. Piti lähteä aika pian sieltä että ehtii äidin kanssa kaupoille. Olin kuitenkin tuntikausia ajoissa ja mua katsottiin taas pahalla silmällä kun tilasin alkuruoan jne kun muillakin oli nälkä. Olin syönyt koko päivänä roiskeläpän ja siellä oli kylmää ja sateista ja pokemon go seikkailtiin keskustassa yli tunti. Tuntuu että vaikka mitä laittaisi päälle, niin on vähissä vaatteissa. Roikuin Suomalainen kirjakaupassa aluksi melko kauan kunnes otin vain jonkun kirjan. Kaveri suositteli Viisi maailmanloppua. Ja tunnen erään, joka ei usko ilmastokriisiin tai ettei se ole ihmisen aiheuttamaa. Niin lukaisen tuon ja pistän sen pakettiin.

Mutta että sellaista! Ei mitenkään ihmeellinen perjantai. Etsin kaupasta jotain painavaa, taisin olla minä itse. Mutta enköhän mä nyt taas viikon ainakin tule toimeen mitä kaikkea ruokaa on kaapissa ja kotivarana.

Just mean to myself and I do mean every typo

I have been eating and sleeping. Mostly spent time in some sort of a food coma.

 Today I dowloaded a kid's app called PikminBloom and if it wasn't raining I might have walked some more planting flowers. I just went to the store, and then there's a little nearby park so I walked round and round there for a bit in the dark rain. I was watching Netflix's You on the chromecast from my TV. I don't want to oversleep all day since that's just missing out on a lot. Answered a scam call about trading and since I'm fond of my money I just hung up after being called ma'am. What am I, in the military now? Haloo. Hello.

I got a brochure in the mail about scheduling some time with an exercise advisor. I could book it at my health care center. I wonder what we could discuss about my relationship with exercise. I find going to walks and walking around and coming back to the same place ineffective. I did not lose any weight during that year I did walk 10k steps daily. I do like explosive sports but whose gonna team up with me to play badminton and though I love floorball I don't have the stick and I'm in too poor shape anyway. I can't do a lot of ice-skating in my weight. I can swim alone maybe a few minutes until I get bored. I have an exercise bike and some weights but never much use them. If I do and try to leave them somewhere I could pick them up, I'll just hit my toe on them. The vintage stationary bike does make a bit of noise and my hamster or anyone wouldn't like it. So I get a dozen minutes when I'm not stressed about my groin pustules. Exercise is good for only metabolism.

I'm sending some swaps out soon for swap-bot swaps. I should write a letter to my penpal overseas. It's just this Advent calendar card and Tarot cards for someone's frankendeck. I hardly use my Supernatural or dragon tarots. When strick with a moment's of inspiration, I'll have to get out tweezers and put some stamps into a book. Stamps I've soaked in water to get them off paper and then they are still under some heavy books. I did like a mail art instagram account and it has got followers from coin collectors and whatnot, but not sure what I actually do with the account... just be creative I suppose... 

I did a sketch for a third swap. Stickers and a sketch. Pretty simple if I just didn't draw everything through these days. It's pretty ugly if it comes from my imagination. Gremlins with wings and a mermaid tail. I give myself a break for I do draw pretty small on a piece of A4. Uninspired or lack of skill, you decide.

I could like make more of those pink brainfreeze milkshakes. I just have to do the dishes. A lot, waiting for time to do them. By hand, in that kitchenette. It's more manageable when you got just a few but when all your plates are dirty, well then. I need a bigger me.

Hamster, dear poopyhead Helmi,

why are you making those annoyed sounds. I gave you a piece of an apple just yesterday. It's not like you get up this early. I'm not a child but no man has ever messed up my sleep like you did in the beginning of our journey. I'm sorry the repairmen on the roof make loud whacks all morning and have a loud radio on and shout all morning and afternoon. They should've been finished weeks ago

You have your favorite snacks and foods. I have been too tired to clean your cage in ages but I don't think you liked it that much anyway when all the bedding was replaced in one sitting, either...

Anyways, nothing to write, just that stream of consciousness. I almost quit smoking but just for less than a day. It would be much cheaper without.

I don't really watch television but I guess there's the Finnish Survivors every Sunday. That's been fun. I even tried another domestic drama show. They were cleaning up after they'd killed someone, got rid of the body. Ok enough about it because I have nothing to compare their acting to... except that dude's little act about going to the police in the first place was like getting your period and having cramps.

Where was I? No more cramps for me. Over a year of sterilisation now. I understand why guys want kids, but for a woman who does all the work, it's been a lonely road of no wanting them, ever. Men are kids too and I play location games that are just for kids. Pathetic muchos.

I talk this way about myself. I see. My dark humour about myself. Next week, I see a doctor. I get another clinical description of my wellness and being to have sent to the social security institution. I got a call from them yesterday about where I'd like to do work and about the queus to each. 12 weeks waiting list to the other, so they'll probably approve that if they do. I can't believe I said to the person that I don't mind which... like I'd said, whatever/ or: it is what it is.

Rehab work. Why would they be letting me into the workforce when there's people who have actually worked in the past 10+ years. Am I not excited though? Bureaucracy makes everything so shitty difficult.

Interwebs. Significant other spidery beings. lol sos. reallyyyyy nothing to speak of. I did cut my nails a bit shorter. It was getting difficult to do nothing. I have always had thick nails. Apparently my hair is not truly thick anymore. Was it ever. instagram-worthy... not

Let's update this browser. I can't go on Twitter on it. I wonder if I could make a tinder profile with the android emulator or is it me they truly banned? I was just a bit too popular I guess, which is totally my fault. Love patriarchy.

Sarcasm. Be a friend and quit stabbing.

I was worried until I wasn't

 Weird dreams this morning. I could try to explain stuff in them but I doubt they exist. I was logged into my fave bands socials (Seether) and I could see my interactions with them but instead of following myself by them I deleted my own profile. Some old guy had invited me to some mystery mystery party and it had probably been his computer. We played a sticker book game where the pieces just appeared and they were slided across. It wasn't a play to win. Then I asked if the hamster I saw was kept free and no, it was fetched for me to see. It was more golden brown than mine and looked a bit stressed haha. I was left thinking of "godmode"

Anyway. I didn't tell happy birthday to my fave actor. I try not to show up too much. I try not to be toxic. I am already extinct like so many animals. If I spent a week or two without social media or blogging I don't think anyone would get interested.

Last thing I bit into was a raddish. I made forest fruits loose tea with honey and a sandwhich from toast, ham, cheese. There were elevator repairmen outside my door. It is probably my weight that breaks it and I live on top floor. I am not sure. I weighed 124+ kg this morning and it was less than yesterday but I've weighed less and the trend is up

Bought the stores last Trick or Treat chocolate bars 180 grams yesterday that I had not tried. The flavor was familiar though. I got an energy drink, pieces of gouda cheese, and "glad you said it aloud" cigarettes that the cashier almost forgot while he was looking for a menthol flavor slips under the register

I mean, it's so hard to transfer thoughts on any diary, blog, paper, etc because a lot of things I remember, are visual. I don't write fiction but sure some of my writings are hard to crasp anyway and I just think useless. I don't kill my darlings but I don't have to make up as I go. I am belieavable. I don't say something while my mouth is full of soup, you know.. I'm not fake but never caring about me is still quite common dunno

A new perspective. Don't write for anyone, and when you say what you think don't expect people cared, you'll be relieved.

Mom has a ticket to a handicrafts convention for Saturday but not sure I want to take the trip there, I was there one year.

I felt pretty speechless yesterday because the woman I was worried about, found her phone and came back online and I had been worried she'd gone missing. Sorry? Sorry that random people have messaged you if you've been murdered...

I felt like an idiot. I don't worry.

What else. People on the roof until end of month. Waking me up 7am and I still go back to bed but it's not uninterrupted.

Stiff like me this writing is. I actually hurt when I try to do exercises that would make me more flexible. I can't do anything I was able to before. It is very demeaning. Can't even put my legs up a wall without feeling something uncomfortable on my hip. If I do for a while I get numb anyway. Maybe it's the meds in my muscles? Those sedatives. Weight neutral, ssri, milky liquid, hundreds of grams that don't belong in my body and not sure what they even do? I only notice bad side effects no matter how much you prescribe me with

I want to move. I can't. I don't have to. Yeah sure like I don't need to breathe either. Rape culture be like super helpfull sometimes to make sense to patriarchy and violence and whatever nobody dies a virgin, life fucks everybodyyyy

Take care tinglies and if you are gay then, sit on a piping

knowing what you want and still deciding to not follow what you want, is just lazy and overrated

 Halloween shouldn't have been so tiring!!!! I'm all fine after sleeping to 2pm. In the mood for quitting smoking cigarettes. It isn't normal to smoke a a pack per day though maybe for me it has been. Might as well cough up some gross slime. I know it's there.

*gets writer's block* I forgot to play the animal crossing Halloween even yesterday 5-10 pm. I guess I could travel back in time on the console. 

I did have some safe sex on Samhain. Last time was on my b-day.

Something I regret a lot because I am this way. Feeling like.. always the escape goat, black sheep, and where's the lamb sauce!

Oh, a dog was barking outside. I don't question my senses. I keep going. Even if I have to stare blank into nothing.

I hate food but I've gained weight again. Nothing huge that I couldn't restrict and fast off but still the highest weight since I lived in this address. All because of some stupid pagan holiday. All Saint's Day is still going to be on Saturday in Finland anyway when you remember the dead by taking candles on gravesites.

I ate... crisps that tasted like chicken, some candy like lollipops, a bit of alcohol, stuffed breads and tortillas and crepes... and I didn't do any exercise. Not doing exercise and just staring at screens is probably worst. 

I shouldn't let them decide for me that's it's what I do. I am not a nerd and I never used to just stay in my room and type on the internet. I walked, swam, cycled, went to gym and lost weight until they decided I was insane and nothing I told them was true even though I was visibly thinner, less than 70kg, normal weight.

Now I have both problems... no work, no play, just stationary all day with adventures only in my head

Come and take my life away I'm done with a lot independency. I won't be evicted and I won't end up on the street. I might have to survive with even less. I can afford toilet paper and I have a microwave and a television, and I use make-up sometimes and even sending letters so I know I can look myself in the mirror because I have meds

but I mean, it's 100% more than I can say about other people I know who have been clinically diagnosed with their fairytales.

I don't have coarse hands that have seen much work and I don't keep my fingernails short but I have been judged my the dirt under them one time is enough

Why you shouldn't believe what I write and call me a liar instead? No worries just read, I promise it's interesting.

like it's been google translated, or off-Latin