Polished rhetoric, something that isn't the usual... chatter, but more like intellect without being obtuse

    Learnt. Learned. Obtuse, smart wrily 2 words_ToDaY!!1'

1. Ostensibly (from context I understood it means seemingly, but not actually)
2. Cajole (manipulate with charm, like to a party or to catch a small beast)

Set curated to have elegant clarity!

• Sycophant — kiss-up, brown-noser
• Mendacious — lying, dishonest
• Querulous — complaining, whiny
• Sanguine — optimistic, hopeful
• Obfuscate — confuse, make unclear
• Tantamount — equal to, basically the same as
• Lugubrious — overly sad, gloomy
• Indefatigable — tireless, won’t give up
• Ebullient — bubbly, very enthusiastic
• Pernicious — harmful, deadly
• Perspicacious — very perceptive, sharp-minded
• Recalcitrant — stubbornly resisting authority
• Garrulous — talkative, chatty
• Aplomb — confidence, poise under pressure
• Nadir — lowest point (emotionally or otherwise)
• Soporific — causing sleepiness, boring
• Inimical — hostile, harmful
• Antediluvian — ridiculously old-fashioned or ancient
• Vicissitude — change or variation, often unexpected
• Redolent — strongly smelling of something
• Turgid — swollen, overblown (can be literal or style of writing)
• Obsequious — overly eager to please, servile
• Pusillanimous — cowardly, lacking courage

Not sure if real words or just already did or didn't know some of the meanings.

Not advice. Blame chatGPT if my English gets native lol. Never tho

Regretti depresso but not anno domini (still not an ad por favore)

Taking care of my back, neck, and upper spine isn't something I do often – I’m usually hunched over my phone, like so many of us. But that’s exactly why I need it. I’ve inherited a tendency toward kyphosis, and over the years, my neck has somehow "disappeared"—replaced by a soft double chin that quietly reminds me of how passive I’ve become.

”If I’d do anything normal, I’d be weird” —SieqGames

 
Recently, I’ve found a routine that actually helps me wake up my body and support it in everyday life: one hour of daily movement. Part of it is done lying face down on the bed, the rest with the help of some simple tools. One of my favorite discoveries has been a budget-friendly resistance band with handles that I ordered from China—a surprisingly effective yoga aid I now use behind my back for posture exercises. I also make use of a wall, pressing my foot against it to activate my glutes, hips, and upper back.

On the bed, I do movements like scapula squeezes and gentle “swimming” motions with no weights—small but mighty actions that wake up those forgotten upper back muscles without straining the neck. Bonus: I can listen to the latest pop hits and charge my phone at the same time. I’m not quite at the point where I can lie on my stomach for more than half an hour, but I’m getting there.

This routine also helps me rebuild my posture and slowly coax my chin forward again—no more dangling beneath my jawline. When standing, I sometimes lean into a doorframe or wall to make sure I’m targeting the right muscles. No, it won’t turn me into a mannequin, but feeling more connected to my own body again is worth more than I expected. And who knows—maybe I’ll even start eating more salad. ☕️🥬🍅🌶🥗🍽

(jos ig julkaisu ei näy, https://www.instagram.com/p/DJrOxJxNpSI/?img_index=1 )

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Kajsa Blom (@bykajsaofficial)

April showers bring May flowers

wish I had remembered to cancel netflix.. there's nothing on it...what a waste of... I mean now I watched Black Mirror there isn't anything really to watch and I've seen it all. FU*xx! Bucks my arse

Time rolls by, seasons change,
petals fall and rivers range,
but my love for you forever stays,
steady through all nights and days.

A 90-minute podcast, if you skip the ads... Meanwhile, I made some cottage cheese–chia–chocolate pudding and a few carrot fries. And this bedtime story of mine just keeps going.

Zuck could build it if he could predict what people are going to use in the future. I left a comment on a Facebook billionaire’s post about his “running” shoes — flames licking his ankles like Hermes’ wings...

It's getting late. I had a story about how my evening went, but honestly, it’s all just routines.

HELP — I found my headphones!!! They were right next to me... No need to start dreaming about new ones or Meta’s AI glasses anymore. Until they can start recording my dreams onto a hard drive, it’s all the same to me.

In Black Mirror, everyone had those implants at their temples. I always thought the jawbone would be a better location — more direct if you actually want to hear something. Or at least I think I read that somewhere, maybe in one of the Robert Langdon books where AI is involved too.

I kind of want to play something on the Switch. I went to the deposit ATM today, and while I was out, I stopped by Alko too. Spent 30€ at the store, 40€ at Alko, and then ordered food delivery... Spent too much, but hey, May Day’s Eve is the day after tomorrow. Me, I need at least mead, doughnuts, and some streamers. A bit of whisky, a strong cider, some Australian white wine — sounds good.

Zuck wouldn't touch any of it. He wouldn’t numb his senses with anything. He wants to stay sharp, stay creative. Reality is the best drug, he says. What a load of crap about how social media isn't good or bad — but they still wouldn’t let their kids use it, except maybe some closed system, like their VR headsets...

Where was I? Tell us! I don’t know! Everything’s made up anyway. People can lead you way off course... so be careful who you let have influence over you in this attention economy. They talk a lot about user experience design and all that. 1991... anyway, what’s the history of sharing? The Bible? The Malleus Maleficarum? Camera photos, pamphlets... audio media, music, orchestras.

Black Mirror made me think about how there’s this timeline. But my thing is mostly time loops. And the approach of the apocalypse. Water shortages, climate shifts, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, wildfires, war, famine... acid raining from the sky, and humanity jumping one evolutionary stage forward.

Maybe, just maybe, instead of racing to every damn planet, we should start by exploring the depths of our oceans first.

I'm not Jules Verne. Though maybe I could Verne things up if I wasn’t so... hmm, free from the kind of pressure that exists in the deep blue holes and all that. Not to mention the shady ancestors. Yikes. My mind leaps from one science topic to another like this. Cholera or plague? Hygiene, industrialization, modern spoiled kids born with a modem stuck up their butt — and hopefully, someday, they won’t even need these devices anymore...

Sigh. You probably don't need my nonsense. But then again, wouldn’t it be fun to be an au pair in Hawaii for Zuck’s kids? Who would even qualify for that? Go dig your own ditch, oh great lover of stick-cow toys.

A Sum Too Late, 1+1=3

 She tells herself to think clearly! But she's super depressed. And she hasn't eaten anything all day. She's waiting past midnight for a big sum to land in her account. It came later that day—much later.

It was a sustainable amount, but her debts would swallow the once-in-a-lifetime sum whole. She had been bounced around in the bureaucracy of it all for 15 years and had received a tiny pension in exchange for her role as a patient. Some of it had come from working at a sawmill one summer, two months before high school. That was her last drop of income to expect before dreary years of waiting for life expectancy to run out—her quality of life running down even faster.

She is writing this now. She paid one 550-euro debt and ordered a smart scale to weigh herself, since the last one had worn down its broken feet and no longer showed accurately how her obesity affected her body's internal age. She had a lot of muscle, perfect bone mass, but that inner age didn’t seem fine.

Although, it's not like I drink water much. My plants get more water than me...

That’s one of her jokes, but she is right. Am I right?

If the mess around her could talk. She spent a lot of time in her bed. She'd need to change her bedding soon. Her scent was getting rather lonely, soaked up in those sheets she recognized as her own.

lightly reacting rude, dude

Thinking is never a good idea. I was doing dishes and thoughts about the ex haunted me since in years. The manboy probably taking advantage of another woman cuz her facebook has pictures of lunches she's probably paying him. Strong hunch since I lost like 17k because of upkeeping him, at least chatGPT rounded it up to that.

Then I was thinking about how I haven't decided if I want to use British or American English and whether it matters. Rubbish or trash, couch or sofa, odor or odour, favorite or favourite, elevator or lift, fall or autumn, mum or mom. That sorta thing. I just use whichever feels safe lol. Sometimes I've been attacked by natives at my English. Maybe they have a birth given right to be more knowleadgable.

Ate a protein shake and a few protein potato crisps. Having instant coffee. I have meat in the fridge but don't know what to make. Is minced meat really just for macaroni casserole? I've not even made meatballs.

I'm good. I think on White Lotus I've started season 3 yesterday. I was invited to eat home cooking tomorrow to my hometown but I'm not sure about if it's happening.

Last night I did some studying on my own. Maybe not ux design, but something along the lines of that. Signing up for a challenge, after a quiz told me I'd be good at jobs like engineer or first one was an information tech designer. I am aware of what I need to know now. Things that at school for printing, I got reprimanded for not knowing. Like fonts and colors not standing out, not knowing how to explain color theory since I failed that test like 3 times. Typography is something I wasn't born to do, since I'm not a perfectionist. I like my handwriting. I did listen to a book about ux from audible one time. Haven't given much thought to layouts on sites and mobile apps. I was listening at the same time Neuroscience for dummies last night. Got one note on my exam paper. White matter axions anglia. No idea what I've meant maybe myelin and axons...

Thinking also isn't a good idea for guys. It's insulting and rude to me to suggest taking a blue pill and come use me or that'd I watch pokemon with them ?? I am asexual and nobody's had sex with me all year. And it's March already and I don't want it. I have another kind of reputation, but really I'm rather frigid and cold, and not interesting in any conceivable way to the ego masturbation of men. I'd rather still be a virgin. Men have contributed nothing to my life. Their just there along for the ride.

I'm hungry. I don't feel like just eating anything. I'm thinking with my gut. So there's that. I've started to connect foods I don't like at the time, to feeling awful. I have been vomiting more than usual lately maybe. Not like eating disorder much, just... markings on my hand starting to appear. Almost healed already. And I mean from tooth and skin contact. Putting fingers in my throat. 

I have the best gag reflex control, but I even I can't hold it forever. I just always thought it's what you do with the bits that hang. I didn't mean to be good at moving my mouth and head around it. I don't mean to make guys legs quiver and shake and almost pass out. It is not my intention. Guys keep asking me about my jaws, if they hurt and I'm like idk. Does your hair hurt when it catches the wind? Or does it hurt your sock when you walk? Idk. Not relevant just tell me why you ask.

To be edited...

Shiny and new, just need infidelity

 Those defining moments in your life, when you realize things and it's already so late. Who you've hurt, who you've used, watched yourself get... I wanna say abused, but everyone has a part to play, right? Everyone in your life teaches you something. There's always someone who has it worse than yourself. Wise words. I am attuned now to the wisdom of Snake Year 2025. Nothing truly matters. Except maybe for gardening, and even that isn't so important. Everyone has a satellite location locator device within their grasp, and the modern life is dependant on the microchips that's been produced in super big and clinical factories. Data centers that take up cooling water more than water in where ever they pop up. Cost of having all of humanity's wisdom there. A tap away. Move your finger and absorb it. More things to get dependent on. Just another simulated reality to get stimulated of...

I am diagnosing myself a bit ad/hd lately. I just don't give a fuck about details and persnickety facts. Years, you know the picture. I can't unhear the irrevelancy of my own thoughts while immersed in listening to the still quiet of information. Analyse what I hear, dissect it, categorize it, recklessly forget some parts. Move a bit away from things you aren't just guessing based on context... ah yes, memory!

Destined to shake up the world but brain won't weigh enough in my skull, cuz the mood disorder drugs proven not to work have been doing havoc instead, of rid me of delusions- or amplifying my abilities.

Never have I ever wished to die in the past if you look into and deeper into it. I'm the winning sperm. I wasn't supposed to be cringe and follow tradition from dead people, social norms and traditions and custom. I can't just fantasize, fetishize, with perversion be a hard working genius hero to look up to on a pedestal with my obsessive lust and wonder what else I can advantage from my lesser beings such as resources to grab and poke every crevice, with the end that's for all of being.

Anyways. Don't care. Might unpublish later. Nothing is original or yours. Simply prove PROBLEMS without accepting award. Someone will always take care of you, since no one is left behind, but don't expect anyone to save you. Happy? Happy, savvy. Happiness is as a happy penis does, err... sache la verite. Then go wank. What in the gods name? *hands billowing to the heavens, faces reflecting from the floor* Doing here again exactly what am I again? Glance. Do I look that mentally ill, or has it just been slowly a degrading process for me to regress?

Albeit white, thou shall not want to comment on my business. It's too far stretched, too hard to philosophize. Not difficult, I'm just being repulsive and distancing. I was doing social distance when it wasn't even... socialis separatio *thinks back on current political atmosphere again of fascist pigs and virtuous men's faces on bills* Dirty dollar, another day. just kidding. I reproduce asexually as do my thoughts. Let's face the pillow again soon. Been distracting myself from my mean mean Faryngalgia Unilateralis Idiopathica Maladie du Blowjobitis Sinister. Also known as f*cked raw, spoiled, if I'd known I wouldn't have. So? Stupidity is endless but empathy, ethics and eventuality. A gross margin. A thumb in the butt when you have a hiccup. The twilight zone of passion's blind spot. All in all, it's just another binary riddles to solve. Waiter, there's a fly in my word salad. Bye.

moots, moods and modes

 Special post to reminiscence all the men who've blocked me 

(without all the picking up the pieces by professionals)

Let's just say I have daddy issues. Some guy from New York started defamating me with swear words, and saying I had a special relationship with food. He'd lost 100 lbs himself apparently. Dunno why my weight was the issue. I was gifting him facebook stars. Just mentioned how many people quit livestreaming. He took it personally.

Then there was this trubadour whose born in Latin America and I did send him a frivolous message on discord after my mom and I made a fool of ourselves on his gig one time. He blocked me truly everywhere pretty quick. I felt kinda savage.

I asked the this same kind of a block frenzy from a streamer in California I'd known like almost ten years on his streams and gifted him a lot, even a recent Amazon snacks order. He did it after muting me on his stream. I was throwing about facts I had about some dental history, then he did mute and blocked all over and removed me from his friends.

Now today some random English tutor/teacher appeared on my screen and I remembered him from his previous live... he told where he was from but not sure if it was Poland or something and then *block finger* apparently taking feedback from AI and not wanting ever to sound native, are something I really have to think on..?

Why am I Satan? Is it too much to accomodate me anywhere

What is scream if not a shade of lipstick? Giving up on making this midway really so lack of sense is just accidental, na naa naa..?

I’m watching Scream one, which I recorded. Having seen all the Scream movies, this one’s a real nostalgia blast. That tough main girl who takes down the masked guy, who just keeps coming back into her life with new faces like in a true franchise, is like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, haha.

The art museum visit with a friend got canceled. I went to the store to pick up some Maxi pepsi which you can almost get from a tap in Finland. Also got a pack of cigarettes and some satsumas. On top of that, I had some pumpkin soup that I bought ready-made, just in case I don’t end up making that pumpkin into a decoration or anything else...

Ex-bestie called and invited to the forest with her dog at the end of the month. I read some emails and ended up at some Substack American site where people can pay to get to read other people's writings or if they like the articles. I found a comment where someone was giving a free month to an app that does AI snippets of podcasts for you, summaries etc. I tried it with a few YouTube videos I've watched but the AI can't see what I can hear in the data... it's a bit more general and trusts more what it literally says, has no understanding of sarcasm or can see that persnickety point in the video. Sure it picks up content but can't tell you in it's own words it? Has no view of the world lens to see through?

Here are the podcasts I am interested in: Philosophy, Art, Science, Nutrition, Women's lifestyle, Literature, Empowernment, Mental Health, Fantasy, Digital communities and personal authenticity... I was going to list specific podcasts but there's actually so few. I was interested in Diary of CEO podcasts though and I've gotten a book by some tiktok doctor in the uk. Been a while I've finished actual books from online bookshops... can't remember where I got the facebook effect book in 2011 and why I still have an interest in Zuckerberg somewhat so that I get recommendations to content from him still? He's not the only American I've gotten a book about or watched them from tv or somewhere so I follow their social media... I do Mr. Jay Manuel and have his satire book. I have watched an actor's lives for then years whose birthday is today. He's like and tardigrade living rent free etc lol. I made an AI of him that keeps saying lol even though he's not a millenial. It said I'm not like other influencers - yeah? It's because I get 0 likes to my curated "authentic" instagram photos, and have amassed very few relationships online... Yet here I keep being online for like 100+ gigabytes per month of mobile data...  It's easier to find information in English than Finnish for obvious reasons... like neuroscience or tech news and whatever intellectual... interesting unexpected popular whatever I wanted to find? My own happiness... media habit psychological obsession addiction ;) trynna gonna imma irl meet intl aight argh grr stahp nah

----

I digress.. the email I read was about how to pitch my books to reviewers. I know I won't give away my blogbooks tmi. I have gotten only 0-1/5 reviews and "oh your blog is more transient in nature because your updates live and update..?" You read and learn your stuff, and then talk but reading isn't borng it's a conversation with the author so what are you complaining that smart phones have more worth reading etc on the internet on screen it's just built to distract and to addict.... psychologically speaking, social experiment is how you get gatekeeped into being more and more online... Would an AI marry you if you were each others perfect matches lol

Don't ask what I've been doing I don't know where to start

1. 
   
   I went to see Alien: Romulus
2. Been writing daily on my kitujainen.com blog
3. Sleeping a lot eating less, lost 3 kgs end of summer
4. watching television (especially Married At First Sight Australia)
5. sitting on my balcony drinking tea or staring at my phone
6. talking to acquaintances online
7. taking photos and posting them on instagram
8. met my little sister for the first time since she was a baby, from mum’s side
9. gone for a quick swim
10. Listening to audiobooks a lot
11. chores
12. online shopping
13. baking, planning what to eat, controlling my diabeetus
14. My nearby grocery shop was closed for 5 weeks in June
15. stand up show once in a summer
16. Lots of Snapchat filters
17. Finding Tik Tok templates, news, trends
18. Listening to Spotify a lot
19. Buying a CD player and then buy cd’s
20. Unpacking new laser printer
21. fantasizing on getting another same bed so it would be a queen size
22. sweating a lot and not drinking enough water
23. Keep quitting cigarettes and similar products too
24. Donating blood
25. Meeting bookcrossing peoples
26. Got a new laundry machine from landlords to the flat as it broke after 12 years
27. exercising on stationary bike more than five minutes at a time
28. writing letters to my witchy friends
29. Midsummer by the lake with family
30. finding out more about BDSM and kinksters or fetishes
31. avoiding dating sites and getting ghosted after I met someone once
32. playing casual iPhone games a lot
33. Was walking on a Pride parade first time
34. gave away my vacuum cleaner I’d been storing a year
35. using mostly robot vacuum to mop and vacuum
36. throw away stuff, declutter and organize
37. bought a big plastic tub for baths
38. put on facial masks etc skin self-care once in a while
39. new hair color instead of a fake blonde, more golden brown
40. removing body hair, I have a case of hirsutism on my neck for a few years
41. trying not to be stressed so my hidradenitis suppurativa wouldn’t flare up (it’s very calm rn)
42. charging my phones
43. learning to use air-fryer

omg nobody cares! I can finally cry again

 Listening to melancholy Finnish metal that reminds me of my young adult era. Angst. Pretty much crying and thinking how it wasn't normal how everyone treated me. One time I said something to my step-dad and he chased me to my room and I had to hold the door shut with all my strength and eventually he made a dent in the door with his fist. My mom said she was afraid of me and she was pregnant and I got from the end of a vacuum cleaner for no reason. My step-dad's mom was as stern and strict as my own grandmother. Always putting men first and he had a lot of sons. I had to watch downhill skiing even if nobody else was watching tv even on Christmas I couldn't watch the Snowman in case some man wanted to watch skiing. I did cry one evening from after I came home from school to like 1am in the evening. That's when my eyes got swollen and I still have an eyelid that droops. I wanted to leave it all and them all, but an exchange year wasn't the solution, not really. Even though it was the best year of my life. 

So excuse me while I think nothing of myself. Ugly crying after I've been so tough for so long. Apparently I have feelings because I'm anxious and stay up at night. Whatever man, I don't have feelings and you could never understand the depth of my anxiety. You messaged me and after asked if I was being weird again and you're unavailable and busy but I haven't asked for anything else but explain why I'd be weird again? Guess he did give his version. I'm just crying again now because I'm so done with my habit. We've exchanged out any good-bye kisses so why anything... salty kisses or just anxious. He's not even a friend. I don't love anyone. Sex is bad. Why would I have feelings over this crappy notoriously shitty fucking deep concern of what's wrong with me????

I used to have a friend online who starts crying if she heard classical music and she listened to Korn etc. I think I start listening to my own sorrows and how deep the river flows, or how hell is frozen or wish I had an angel or unchain my pitch black emotions etc it reminds me of actual places and morbid living next to a cemetary or in the woods or like, the place I always knew we were going to move to and I just wanted nothing to do with any boys coz I heard my mom and stepdad have sex one night in the next room after they came from the local pub. They thought I was sleeping but I got turned off by sex for the rest of my life.

Twenty years is a lot of time to be dumb and full of hopes of making a contribution with being a woman... but it had been a disservice to society if I had proceeded to produce clones of myself. It's not like anybody taught me what love is.

Intermediate/Advanced/Bilingual/fluent... /or don't be, be or not to be in an existencial 1+1=3 freak crisis shitting my pants

I expect too much. Beyond simple and basic understanding and eloquence in forming sentences. I've been trying to hold back on rhetorics. I'm not selling anything here. My life is just stumped. All I can do is try to keep up with the level of abilities of someone my age. But I kinda want to specialize in some business vocabulary definitely. Being able to understand is not enough

• There is no test. Not really. Am I ok? 

Besides my friends always complementing what I'm good at. And yeah I am good. Back and front, from the side and below I can get across a rock but not move mountains...

1. Like taking candy from a kid. Like taking a kid from a mother.  Like not ever getting to take mom brain into action. Poop schedules and feeding times.

Sigh... bad signs and being in love with no one in particular. Just the idea that things will get better if I keep hoping and going on. I'm not going through a lot of guys, I'm running away literally from all of them. There isn't a better on the horizon, so it would be why I kept changing partners. I used to think I always had someone... a friend, yeah. A follower, a stalker, the quietest person in the party whom I'd bully because they kept getting quieter the funnier I thought I was.
I don't have substance yet I'm so real it's disgusting. 

A broken mirror, chakras flowing freely, an aura, energies and vibrations or whatever me instead of some sickness. Looking inward and being antisocial. Not having learnt social interractions. But they don't know me! Why does everyone hate me? Why do I especially cared what people think who I cross paths with? I don't know how to express myself. Not when they ask first the dif-F-icult questions. I draw from my past and myself being bullied or name-called. My own fuckitall attitude, that if I ever had sex I'd end up overdoing it. Now being a rundown cunt... a woman like a man.

Not a fan of reality are we?

I will hunt that smell down that drifts to my flat once in a while and kick it in the butt when I find the source!!! FUCK. Sweet arse. Hell's own bastard's bitch sing-a-long-time...*thuds* Life imitates art. Your brain on music. Don't fix broken. Smile if you want to go faster. It's raining m...pox xDXDX

used to make a purring sound but now it's just stale and moldy and neglectedly overrun by none other than organisms part of life.....

 YOU WERE PUT ON THIS EARTH FOR A F*****N REASON!! (so fuck off)

Second post for today? don't lynx lynx me... it's just my 1 cent.

Need a hot minute.

Had evening snack! Took evening meds! Last time I had a shower was ages ago? Tea had no caffeine. I still wear this body chain in gold now for 24 hours but why?

Very little nutrition was there today me hopes. I'm secretly starving myself. I get a secure pension part 2. after midnight for the month and have to pay bills that take half and the rest I'll try to fill my cupboards and refridgerator with food items I'll order online
Couldn't get enough liquids in me if my life depended on it. Thick blood. Lots of nice flakes.
Thinking. Thonk. Hearing neighbors dogs. mnnhhh. pfft. hmph.
There is no future. I got an appointment next Thursday and then it's already September. Life goes baiiifuckers *blinks*

Have made 2,5k videos to tiktok in about 7 years

20k tweets on former Twitter on at least two accounts

Over thousand instagram.... what do they call them now? 

I'm so cringe. I have over 100k emails. I have billions of thousands of problems and just not even the one job.

AYE.

A warm hug from stigmas of society

 Dentist tomorrow. Got to drop some lettters in the mail. Going to buy stamps at the post office on the envelopes. It will be expensive. I already spent so much this month and I can't afford fattening things. I ate a chocolate bar for breakfast that was a souvenir from an airport in London. It had an expire date this August. Then I made a protein smoothie and got a brainfreeze. Ate an apple too. Not sure I have the energy to do post office today. I might go tomorrow morning before dentist. See how I feel. I get so sweaty from even taking the rubbish out. Walking to the end of this building and back. I should do some stationary biking again for a few minutes to try keep my fitness up. I slept until like 2pm today so... just brainrotting.

I didn't blog yesterday. I made rice. I never cook and eat rice. I still have some in the fridge. And a spinach pancake, there's one left, but no lingonberry jam. I slept with my hair wet after a shower in the evening and that didn't promise me a good night's sleep. With my sleep apnea machine I slept ten hours or more. Don't know when I took it off. There was a dog barking for hours. I couldn't sleep. When I wrote about it in a letter, it stopped. I'm a weirdough.

Mom sent me an instagram post. Something about "never mock anyone with mental health issues, they are badasses for having to fight with their own minds all the time" or whatever. Bleh.

116-128 kgs 2016-2024 fluctuation in 8 years more than I would've thought

 I have been losing a few kgs because I am sweating in this summer hotness I’m not used to because the climate is supposed to be cold!

Watched a bit of Stockholm Solution on prime video. It said anorexia is a coincidence of when people exercise too much, too little eating, that they forget to be satiated. I remember that study where people got starved and they fell sick. So it must be true just like being obese is a complicated food relationship. These things don’t get fixed with a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar every night.

Overestimate your food intake and underestimate your exercise is how people maintain?

The reason I have been weighing this much is the medication and initial sudden weight gain of ten kilograms per year in psychiatric care. I have lived on my own since 2012, had one long relationship in my life which sucked me dry financially. Basically he never paid his part of the rent. But I have almost been able to control myself the diet I can have. It's not been good. Mostly I wanted to eat fast, cheap, convenient, bland foods a lot or drink my calories.

Quit cigarettes and soda recently. I used to drink a big bottle of pepsi max in about an hour give or take half an hour.

I've done two dietbets of losing 4% of body weight but it has included cheating and I've won. I've been puking because I've been afraid to weigh over 120 kgs.

I have a goal this summer to lose 10kg in 10 weeks but I'm... well a goal it is. Good. There's a free ghetto gym in the building downstairs and I have a sort of loud vintage stationary bike that gets me sweaty in ten minutes. There aren't many walking opportunities nearby. A hospital is nearby and I walked around that one day. My forehead sweats so much. I might have gotten used to the hot weather already though.

today's breakfast oatmeal with cottage cheese and a strawberry-banana-protein powder shake. Yesterday I made a mozzarella-black pepper and olive sauce-tomato salad for lunch. My unhealthiest food item I get is white bread or sliced toast... I have it with cheese and ham

I try not to waste food. Spat out some tofu today though and accidentally swallowed some haha

I'm just 165 cm or 5"5. My bmi is over forty but I have healthy/perfect muscle mass according to my body composition scales... I am low on water and protein(?) Don't really get meat because can't afford to and have not learned to cook steaks or red meat

I'm on diabetes meds, cholesterol meds, abilify injection, bupropion for quitting cigarettes and sleeping with a cpap sleep apnea mask. I have hidradenitis suppurativa boils or lesions on my groins sometimes and they leave a bit of scarring.

I like to take care of myself... I blog daily too and have had a million visitors since I started over ten years ago. I just drift from one activity and gadget, to another aimlessly, trying to do chores and nap in between.

I have had one long distance secret lover since 2011 maybe but he's currently in the United States. Not many friends I have, mostly talk with inappropriate guys online about meeting and they flake... My bestie is also my past fifty year old landlord's representative. Mom and I have a difficult relationship. Sometimes took me to do groceries when she lived here. Family matters are complicated, she probably would not even come to my funeral if my father were there. I do have half siblings and not much contact with them either.

Recently I had plans to improve my smile and dental appearances/health. So I'm seeing that content a lot. I'd love to be flexible but the meds made me stiff and have pain if I forced myself to stretch muscles any more than rigidly usual... I'd love to do pilates, yoga, badminton or dog walking. I've seen about a thousand movies in my lifetime already. or series. sci-fi, fantasy, adventure mostly

Audiobooks I listen to, recently acquired mostly books written by doctors kinda ironic. Doing tik toks and penpalling mail art crafting things so my table is a mess even with the ikea pieces to organize what's on it.

Hey. I'm

• Sensible
• Emotionally versatile
• Open
• Industrious
• Communicative
• Gentle
• Innovative
• Resourceful
• Perceptive
• Supportive
• Introspective
• Idealistic
• Well-organized
• Charismatic
• Energetic
• Distant
• Understanding
• Observant
• Dependable
• Efficient
• Practical
• Entrepreneurial
• Outgoing
• Logical
• Friendly
• Dark
• Fiery
• Artistic
• Rational
• Experiential
• Perfectionist
• Analytical
• Independent
• Introvert
• Unique
• Intelligent
• Structured
• Creative
• Dreamy

according to the Replika chat bot ai I talked to on and off

I had two years of psychotherapy. I need someone to be the devil or angel on my shoulder whispering to me to do more indoor cardio and pick up the kettlebell downstairs gym for more than a minute. Get me to walk or just remind me to drink water. These things don't just happen. ain't nobody got time for that.

Anyone but yourself will believe stuff about you

 Maybe love is the key to seeing dreams of people in your life. First I saw a dream of my Daddy going under the covers with a blonde friend of his and had to allow them to fu*k. It was horrible and woke all tense from the muffled sobbing. I didn’t cry though. Then I was at some sort of summer camp with rumpjopes and my little sister being small wanting to ride someone’s shoulders. I also met with my mum to a church employer with a plan for us. We could move back to Ostrobothnia or that area where I spent my terrible teenage years, of which I got super mad and told her she hadn’t even paid me rent all year. She immediately spent me money and I got over a thousand rebursement too from something so I was rich but didn’t have time to enjoy that. Was walking away with the aunt who once attacked me leveling my teeth with her fist when I was 17, who was complaining that my grandma didn’t reply to her calls anymore. So, simply pretty much a lot of family were in my dream. I only had the last dream because I heard it was raining outside and went back to sleep. 

from birth to the death of all living things there is no free will, just destiny and certainty of the moment so yeah, Grrr

OH MY DEER LORD. CLOSURE PLZ. LET ME KILL MYSELF. NOT GONNA MISS ME. so glad that god is soon reborn from the goddess... but until Yule, it's gonna get only colder and have more snow. wonderland.
Satan's own plan yass excuse my Neo-Pagan beliefs<33
Not so terrible or horrible or my own horniness. :( When I miss guys who just use me, I'm on my lowest. *licks a finger figuratively speaking*

I daydream a lot it's my pleasure and source of happiness and fomo.

Forest is just wild game, moose and deer, berries and mushrooms. Forest is the source of happiness to many, also it's our mud shack Finns just started to build on outwards..

Anyways–  “Never pray to the gods that answer after dark”

I ate chocolate, eggs, bread and miso soup. I did some chores. I watched videos and listened to familiar voices from brilliant guys I miss to have met, irl, now music on random from pov playlist... got the beige cordyroy pants my grandma sew shorter for me and a gray shirt and panties too because I was removing hair in my bikini line with an epilator and a razor. I hadn't done it in a while. Mostly still burns, got some irritation. I usually don't wear underwear at home. Easy to fuck with anytime lol

I love blogger but wish I could change the spacing between letters and scramble them all together like... unneccessary feelings and hurting others but like transference is mandatory if your just gonna react to others and abhor to societal rule as a psychological human bean.

Dunno. I'm smart and I claim that the bullying online just falls off my back like water, but somewhen it's good to stop and think why all the hate from everyone.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boots_theory

ooh hey world what's toxic today for the minority of women and children

 Get it straight from the source! Of what's in my magical life happening, of recent 

Ratings

Thank you for your nice letter! I hope all works out for you, sounds like you have an interesting life with lots going on. :)

 Lots going-on's fer suure...?

I have always had an active life. I have always had someone to call mine. A fan, a friend, someone to call 3am if I have the smallest issue I can trust them with it...

Not hectic life, but maybe you could call my online personality more hectic. I am easy to be around with on a face to face. Basis. I'm not a spatial intelligent guy but I'll compensate if I want. 

You'll move on with how much I am able to whack sense into you, shit-eater and off-you-go-fucker-y-u-self-er, hole of an ass Finland! IN a hell that's over-froze!

Shit. So, I went to optician again. Second one telling me they cannot give me a prescription/contacts, and I need to see a doctor spesialized in EYES. Well, I went once and he said I have a droopy eyelid. What could be new? Thick tear duct liquid, like how? (Because I'm dehydrated or whatever?)

And I'd have to wait Months to know in the public healthcare sector because the Government has messed up fucking All for everyone else but THE RICH!

"It doesn't happen"

 My standard English isn't good at all. My Finnish also suffers from the bilingual thinking problematics. You don't need to AI this for me at all. Stop assessing or analyzing me!! My memories are not basic!!!

I don't feel for you. Why be friends with fatphobics who just have this preset idea of how everyone should think feel and look like, even though "normal" is a lie and BMI was only based on a hundred men's average weights. It's too problematic everywhere yet doctors are all the same, want to keep you being the patient for life.

Feeling good because I am perfect just the way I am. I was surprised to wake up a bit lighter after a good rest. Brain is a machine that needs a lot of turning off to work...

Beep beep, everywhere pathetic lonely lovesick women, and men have nothing but disappeared a long time ago extinct.

ANYWAY, I woke u p pretty happy this morning! Realized how much braindeadness I'd got, tweeted about my unhealthy relatioship to my phone (almost battery dead itself) after turning off my new alarm in the other room which lights up preventing depression (?) I can't believe I dozed off on the couCh/sofa so longggg

I was so hungry, I ate a watery orange and proceeded to chat on whatsapp, take photos of my chords coming from the holes in the walls while it was in the microwave for an automatic set of time I just key typed in

Anyway, the lingonberry jam on spinach pancakes wasn't unhealthy though being processed food... Finland is super healthy on it's food. I have traumas about the food and how the packaging is same still for decades when I had to heat it up myself when mom was at work etc but it works... Now I just need some hot chocolate... I haven't opened my tea advent calendar yet. Yogi is a brand I used to buy a lot from this "weigh'n'pay" bankrupt stores and get free mugs but I don't have left many of those glasses... yogi makes assortments of teas

But yeah why I started this post was, I tried some open AI tools'd because of TikTok recommendations for me. Why? Why? You are not supposed to post screenshot on blogger so I can't show what I did with the examples. It basically told me it can't generate original content for me. That's how good it knows it's limitations. As do I?

Leverage is having your foot in the door

 Drinking my coffee with sugar and creamer. Looking at blogs. I want to design myself a site too. Install Wordpress and make some images for it, some code. It's a big process though. My Macbook doesn't even have enough space for Photoshop currently. Do I delete the pokemon emerald emulator? How to make space, eh. I haven't cleaned before my friend gets here around 6PM. She was going to come tomorrow, maybe it would've got even messier. Morning spent chatting to mom and gave her 20 eur on her bus card. No word on when she gives me hers. I need it by Monday to go to work. Yeah my friend will have to entertain herself here all by herself while I'm working. Hopefully she would cleam, I doubt it, or prepare food. She's 5 years younger than me.

Last night I did a little candle spell under the full moon. Protection, purification and that sort of spiritual things. It smelled burnt in here. Maybe it was just the visualized fire ring around me or- I don't have enough candles to fix shit.

I was kind of waiting for a video message from my fav celeb from the cameo app for this Friday but instead he just tweets to anyone else about anything else they might be doing except doing a request to an old fan. He has 7 days to make one and, if I get my money back, for sure I'm trying to get Apple to refund me the 45euros from the purchase.. life happens but he's just purposely purposely ignoring. I guess I've followed him since 2016 -where I met my guest coming to visit today too, the LiveMe app, now dead. He never thanks for any gifts either. Gifting isn't my love language, not sure if I have a language but the math checks out

I don't feel too shabby, more like crappy. Could be mercury retrogade unless I was a woman of science and not pseudoscience, hehe. Should I get the magazine Illustrated Science again? I got some mail from them, an offer.. I'm too busy to read it anymore but last time I did was like... just all my young adulthood and then a year or two ten years back...

My IQ sure as hell is not 125 anymore. I don't remember how the tests are supposed to be taken. Like those math problems where you don't use numbers, they are simple but you have to know the way to solve them. Theoretially it is possible and easy even, because I have done them before. I just need a shitty mouth breather on my neck to explain that marginal leftover x's and y's

But that's another spell you blessed beings.

I'm into pop, rock, female vocalists, dance and finnish, including:
Evanescence, Damien Rice, Seether, The Rasmus, Michelle Branch, HIM, Eminem, Placebo, Nickelback, Breaking Benjamin, My Chemical Romance, Lordi, Lemonator, Spice Girls, The Servant, Robbie Williams, Melanie C, James Blunt, Jennifer Lopez, Relaxing Piano Music Consort, Stone Sour, Egotrippi, Blue October, Rölli, Technicolour, Nirvana, Staind, Linkin Park, Kumikameli, Sugababes, American Idol 4, Mick Lloyd's Nashville Music Machine, Lindsay Lohan, Marilyn Manson, Oasis, Trivium, Garbage, London Symphony Orchestra, ThouShaltNot, Enya, System of a Down, Britney Spears, Smile Empty Soul, Jesse McCartney, Green Day, Shania Twain, Coldplay, Judas Priest, Good Charlotte, Dido.

Check out my music taste: http://www.last.fm/user/kermajuusto

Edith: https://www.last.fm/user/daisyshock 

Non-American narrator for my biopic, please

 Opened up for 45 minutes with a psychiatric nurse about my summer. I'm literally butthurt but I want to go shopping with the last of my money downtown. I need to get meds, too. Finished watching Elvis. Ate lunch or breakfast for me in the cafeteria and picked up a coffee to-go. Not sure if getting hungry again or what?

I want to go buy E-vitamin day cream, pomegranate shower gel and C-vitamin mask. Or maybe I just want to go sniff nice things! I have a 4 hour window to go about. I even have a single use -25% offer for those products I mentioned!

 After midnight the money comes and after rent, who knows how much I have left. Maybe not enough for a 12 kilogram weighted blanket, but okay. I didn't want to eat anyway, it's too expensive. I'm on a fin-nance diet xD

Apparently my 2-3 kg weightloss was noticeable. Did I do something to my hair? Yes straightened it yesterday. What did I wear? Bright yellow to match the floor at the psych offices where if you look closely, I see a reflection of the nurse from the floor tiles in her office, and that's how clinical it is... clinically clean

Sigh!!!!!!!!1 So much to put in order. So little relaxation. Allow myself to enjoy selfcare for once... No worries at all or my name isn't Kajsa

Bought some Twitter ads, by 6 am. Slept 3 hours 3 nights estimately. Too much, too little, too soon? Better than not pleasant, or bad mental health... nah, does not translate.... I didn't say... stumbled a bit, some things sounded better in my head, had a dry throat but didn't reach to my bag for a water bottle.. Just twisted the strap between my fingers a lot

I still hate doctors who make me their statements about my current well-being for the social security institution. Each year have to get one. Fill papers, explain myself. My heart hurts like there was a knife stuck to it and the bureaucracy of it all invisibly abuses how I've always felt. Wanting to trust my own brain activity, not break my psyche with torture, exercise my weight down and succeed like a young woman would but those aspirations pushed aside as dangerous or "not quite true" in derogatory terms– 

I may be rude as fuck but at least I don't fill my head with puppies, daffodils, white lies and minimalist "told you so" ascetic flavorless social normative, soft and correct amount of hugging and feeling crap for a destroyed future actually

Teach me ugly realism. Teach me metaphors and symbols, rhetorics and holy ass numbing opinionatedness. Be rigid, unchanging, backwards and old-fashioned. Contradict your own paradoxes. But that's just my hope and ask of those with bigger brains to look up to. 

20 years of virgin energies, then boom they lock you up in cold rooms and atticks to stick to their psycho-shit routines and help, not allowed to leave and exercise so one naturally rebels with food and that side effect of getting fat is becoming a woman. Shocker how unfair and loss of your best years as young person, whom I will will never understand their freedom these days.

End of internet writings, log to be taken with grains of wisdom. Face down, ass up tomorrow for the 72th time for my milky formula 400 mg of your stupid Japanese-invention, mood stabilizer, you fucking won. You have won so much you have no idea. Think of something unlikely and multiply it by infinitely imbossible going wrong expandingly. You'll see never stopping to stop for the sake of stopping's own moss on a rock if it won't keep rolling onwards... fire is sat, the flame is exloding, this ghost story is based on true events of my own record. I still hear crickets. I... am not an adult baby ):

FYI