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Eskaloitui. Olen froggy lover


tiistai 6. syyskuuta 2022

Non-American narrator for my biopic, please

 Opened up for 45 minutes with a psychiatric nurse about my summer. I'm literally butthurt but I want to go shopping with the last of my money downtown. I need to get meds, too. Finished watching Elvis. Ate lunch or breakfast for me in the cafeteria and picked up a coffee to-go. Not sure if getting hungry again or what?

I want to go buy E-vitamin day cream, pomegranate shower gel and C-vitamin mask. Or maybe I just want to go sniff nice things! I have a 4 hour window to go about. I even have a single use -25% offer for those products I mentioned!

 After midnight the money comes and after rent, who knows how much I have left. Maybe not enough for a 12 kilogram weighted blanket, but okay. I didn't want to eat anyway, it's too expensive. I'm on a fin-nance diet xD

Apparently my 2-3 kg weightloss was noticeable. Did I do something to my hair? Yes straightened it yesterday. What did I wear? Bright yellow to match the floor at the psych offices where if you look closely, I see a reflection of the nurse from the floor tiles in her office, and that's how clinical it is... clinically clean

Sigh!!!!!!!!1 So much to put in order. So little relaxation. Allow myself to enjoy selfcare for once... No worries at all or my name isn't Kajsa

Bought some Twitter ads, by 6 am. Slept 3 hours 3 nights estimately. Too much, too little, too soon? Better than not pleasant, or bad mental health... nah, does not translate.... I didn't say... stumbled a bit, some things sounded better in my head, had a dry throat but didn't reach to my bag for a water bottle.. Just twisted the strap between my fingers a lot

I still hate doctors who make me their statements about my current well-being for the social security institution. Each year have to get one. Fill papers, explain myself. My heart hurts like there was a knife stuck to it and the bureaucracy of it all invisibly abuses how I've always felt. Wanting to trust my own brain activity, not break my psyche with torture, exercise my weight down and succeed like a young woman would but those aspirations pushed aside as dangerous or "not quite true" in derogatory terms– 

I may be rude as fuck but at least I don't fill my head with puppies, daffodils, white lies and minimalist "told you so" ascetic flavorless social normative, soft and correct amount of hugging and feeling crap for a destroyed future actually

Teach me ugly realism. Teach me metaphors and symbols, rhetorics and holy ass numbing opinionatedness. Be rigid, unchanging, backwards and old-fashioned. Contradict your own paradoxes. But that's just my hope and ask of those with bigger brains to look up to. 

20 years of virgin energies, then boom they lock you up in cold rooms and atticks to stick to their psycho-shit routines and help, not allowed to leave and exercise so one naturally rebels with food and that side effect of getting fat is becoming a woman. Shocker how unfair and loss of your best years as young person, whom I will will never understand their freedom these days.

End of internet writings, log to be taken with grains of wisdom. Face down, ass up tomorrow for the 72th time for my milky formula 400 mg of your stupid Japanese-invention, mood stabilizer, you fucking won. You have won so much you have no idea. Think of something unlikely and multiply it by infinitely imbossible going wrong expandingly. You'll see never stopping to stop for the sake of stopping's own moss on a rock if it won't keep rolling onwards... fire is sat, the flame is exloding, this ghost story is based on true events of my own record. I still hear crickets. I... am not an adult baby ):