lauantai 16. maaliskuuta 2019

those stars on the sky they blink for you but there isn't enough to count, how small, we are, compared to love

I'm not the most organized person tbh. Was playing pokemon go for hours and shopping in online stores for hours (I guess I did get a pair of shoes from asos and two pairs of bras from aliexpress) And been to my nearest supermarket twice, smoked the rest of my cigarettes (prices expected to go up twice again this year) which will be the last ones I buy, because making macaroni and cheese and eating most of it makes it come out of my nose. I didn't manage to shovel it all into the abyss that's underneath my nose but I did get a craving for these crispy filled easter milk chocolates at the store. Cooked some noodles too quick from my neighbors cabinets while he poured himself a medicine for a cold or at least his throat was sore while I'm having cramps and a painkiller doesn't much help for those maybe. All this tension about how I've just wasted this Saturday and, even mental health recoverers won't be able to afford their cigarettes is depressing or so I heard from a fellow friend I stumbled into on my walk and asked if he'd roll me one for the energy drink bottle (their worth money when you return a bottle in Finland) but how the government decides these tax things... Watched some Supersize vs Superskinny while dining and then saw a British Airways trailer. I'm no different to an actor or another human being. On facebook messenger I chatted to someone in France about trading pokemon and apparently he's a translater (I thought it's translator? Aren't they always shouting for "translator, translator!" in movies?) for some Italian refugee place and apparently my name is jolie and my French okay but I just got D grade from one course and that was gosh, aeons ago in Finnish high school. I'm zealous of like, teachers and how intelligent they must be to pass entrance exams to get into teaching... I mean, I had a look at some old ones a couple days back when I was thinking what to do with my life. I guess I won't amount for much and the more I sit and ponder about how small my world is blogging in some soon extinct language that only a few million people speak, well then. I don't even read news or follow politics, I've bought a newspaper once in my life (the title about EU grannies got my attention) and never played slot machines in my life. So how am I even a cabable human being. Stuff from my past takes up space and I don't care much look into the future. Apparently I'm not ok (it's ok if I wasn't) because I write so morbid things. Not sure if anyone's looked into the Bible but mix that in with aliens because religion is over my head like my neighbors PS4 game where aliens kidnap your character to shove probes up, their asses and a screen for players in the EU, comes up because they can't show us the South Park cartoons getting their asses shoved up by aliens then. Nothing just makes sense and humor just is whenever you decide to laugh or smile really.... I did watch a video about narcissists too and I don't want to be one at least but whatever. I almost started writing this like, "whatever" cause I couldn't even turn my head to face my macbook air but... yeah. nails done, no mud underneath, haven't put makeup, probably not washed the leave-in conditioner off that I rubbed in my hair yesterday... and who even knows what hairclips look like or why I need them when I don't even use jewelry ever except my wristwatch of which I'd feel completely naked without. Speaking of watches I really want a wooden one, like a hazel wood one but apparently that's my tree horoscope sign but the watch was a darker wood than I thought of hazel to be like. Out of the elements why I'm an earth one and how are my venus and moon signs same as my mum&dad's western horoscope signs, when those are like the only planets that mention feelings in the interpretation, whatsoever and I was a bastard anyway and being dealt with really tough selfish hand to be my destiny number even as if I worked best alone -nobody's going to be so slow that their attracted to me but I fear that my personality is too popular and me being too easy to be around with just causes me to bump into people and some of them I can help. Me not so much when I get tangled by the chemistry I believe to be there. but letting imagination run wild again and apparently some moroccon guy was supposed to come this weekend to get his hands on me on a visit but got to ignore that kind of people claiming their avoiding drama by being in open relationships. What relationships related thing was ever drama free if I may asketh... I know I'm just writing what the hell ever pops into my head but, I decided not to get a "all's well that ends well" tattooed with the dragon I'm planning to get next even if I ever get any real tattoo that has color. Italian, early Victorian, gothic, medieval, viking whatever the style not sure what year exactly dragons were introduced in the biology books but how proud Chinese are to be peoples of the Dragon when seahorses resemble by their size and appearence most of such species alive today. Yes I know male seahorses take care of the babies and I was told of once for holding a dried seahorse on my hand and sharing a grainy picture of it in an internet gallery ten years ago when it wasn't mine and nobody ever asks me on any family trips abroad. So it doesn't matter if the politic I vote gets the job, because I'd still be nobody and my relatives still wouldn't talk to me or I'd be afraid of doing something wrong when they're the one s exluding me from their lives, cutting off contact, inviting me with them only on a few special days of the year for a dinner downtown at the most and basically hate me (not very unlike all people hate me but what wasn't known to all) so much I've felt it coming hot off them and their eyes fuming at me and forcing me to sign non-closure agreements I'm related to them, like, how does one deserve to live when you're being kept a secret. Sure if it'd be hundreds of years ago but I'm still a bastard and like a jon snow and understand nothingness like a part of me is a mistake and random and, like riddles in the dark, gollum, what does it have in it's pockets, my precious...  only I can feel the darkness surrounding me even though I'm in a lit kitchen. I really need a safe word for having to stop this stream of writing when nothing's original and days follow after days of... might even soon be old enough to sense that St. Patricks day is in this month. Tomorrow and got nothing green to wear. Just black. Humorless all-absorbing blackness that's underneath my eyelids and this morning I was dreaming of getting out of an ocean cruise and had lost luggage this time. Usually I pack and pack, but now there wasn't unimaginable things I'd never come up with if I was awake, to keep on packing, in a hurry to get somewhere, a plane, a boat, a train or some other transport before dream ends and I know it's been too much I've tried to hold on, to... recurring theme this stress and anxiety but for some reason talking in psychotherapy must've helped. Realising new things by myself without help makes me feel clever sometimes. Like how my family sucks. God... goddess... karma... it's all in your head and depending on the size of the head, a lot gets lost on just one. Wiser were two heads, but all I've got is a bunch of symptoms that are being treated with drugs, as  a pain in my ass and heavier on the doctors wallets, big pharmaceuticals. Claiming to help when nobody asked you to fix what's not gone wrong but, yeah. My experience about helpers is that if you need help once you need it more after you've been got more help so why not stand up yourself... perkele.

Je veux
I will
I don't know what I want or what I mean by it
but I shall regocnize it
whenever I see my chance, and take it! Whatever will be, will be gone when you forget that it's there
miracles exist all the time or not at all

and for the second-time-around of love, things are looking good in your not so far past distant future I like to call destiny to mention a few. A word, a feeling, conveyed past space or time is the spirit, the will, the want, the reason... beginning for me and many other star-born rebellious adventurous old souls... magic, art, call it what thou wilt I'm just.... reciting from memory bit by bit. A few pixels, some electricity, light even. it all comes together forming whatvever it forms into but, I dare say... complicated our lives are and children who come after us, what hardships they face...

Jesus won't save you from a plane crash,
so follow your step, guard it well, what secrets it holds... give in with death so it shall take you relentless and slow. Mindless my wanderings are not for where the roads end, a new song breathes fire into new legends yet to be permitted to be...

and so will be continued when I'll stop mysteriously slipping away. I can think of a place to be. Not as alone as this. and so, with just a spark of imagination, the intuition of having knowledge, the self-deception of too many words at once.... if I'll be gone think no less of me. forever in a long time are these words so beautiful to me #nothighlmao #makedrugsnotpossessions

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