Kept calm and kept going on as the way back is the hardest

 My friend asked, how is the internet going? I answered that not much. The Internet isn't going anywhere. I don't feel accomplished here. I'm not famous, there is no documentary made out of my life. They've even stolen that name Lavender for another type of documentary about hidradenitis suppurativa, the skin condition I have.

Never tell what you love, or fell in love with, because they will copy it and monetize it. I haven't succeeded in that, either. Perhaps I ought to change my name into my middle name. Less hardships.

.......I still need to wake up for today. I considered making my last coffee grinds into coffee...

Was looking at my blog statistics last night and they were so weird. Most of the traffic comes from Indonesia? Then Finland, Usa, Germany. I always think that it's myself who makes the thousands of visits.

Well, my best friend and I did get pizzas yesterday. It was an expensive trip downtown again. I spent on things I shouldn't have. This incence buddha thingy, some khol eye makeup, food food... a green smoothie, peach ice tea, small bag of maltesers I've not eaten yet, and cider at the pizzeria along with extremely crispy pizza. I had an olf-fashioned vanilla ice-cream ball and on top soft ice in chocolate flavor, in that cone. While listening to my friend call me stupid for quitting therapy, and tell about her mental health experiences loud, in institutions, in a public place. It was terrible but she's worse than me. 

I went home and bought some red labeled stuff that goes bad today, half price. Mostly meat. Made hot chicken wings in the oven and drank another cider and energy drink and beer. Eating bbq crisps and a ranch dip. It was truly a day when I think whether my friend is right and I enjoy life stuck on that oral stage? I doubt my pleasure hormones do work anymore, though being on ssri drugs so many years.

I guess I liked the cold feeling from the ice-cream on my lips, the almost-brain-freeze from the smoothie, the crispy airyness of the pizza, the pear flavoured bubblyness of the ciders, and warmth of chicken legs as a meal (I'm not good at ripping apart all the meat off them) and... when the french fry shaped bbq chip breaks apart between my teeth and makes that noise.

It's about those aspects of the food I enjoyed most. Not like, the eating drinking, part. I used to hate eating and I was picky. Of course I still am? Just fatter.

I'm going to write a letter this weekend to a new penpal I got set up by http://www.geekgirlpenpals.com/

brb, my eyes feel heavy.