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maanantai 16. toukokuuta 2022

all is well but it's all good in my head, much new room for depth

 Nitpicking. A pack of cigarettes costs 8,6 to 9,2 to 10,6 euros and anything above, because of the flavor cards I've started hoarding. I don't have a pain treshold about smoking but really... really??? What is this all natural, "organic" tobacco? Something new again, if I may sigh so.

Almost slapped a nicotine patch on it this morning. Reconsider my triggers. Why not just enjoy the day? I woke up and pretty soon had a cigarette, which is always a mistake... I get this heavy feeling all over my body. Surrounded by such poisons in a molecular level, blood and breath, who knows why it feels like that. Heart, lungs, all the way from my tippytoes to the top of my head

I found a bottle from my bag. Two days ago I'd bought a bottle of pepsi max (light cola, you know the stuff you don't want in your body) and I'm enjoying it now. For breakfast I did a "just add human" coffee cupful

I guess I have to translate from Finnish to English in my head first since I don't enjoy thinking in English but. I don't know how that works. I hate Finland. alot. sometimes. So uneventful, blah safe, boring, almost doesn't even exist. When I imagine other countries, I would think they had lakes like us, too. In my dreams of course, the latest dream I had. Tomorrow can be a lot different since it's always new and changing, what you remember.

I remember that years have gone past... and I've been somewhat alone. I've tried to invite friends over. They don't want to visit. I've had one friend stay overnight and that was a long time ago. It's hard to get them to come to you. I mean female friends in a nonhomophobic, cis het way... well I guess you meet your well-wishers randomly, nodding acquaintance

Yeah had to find a translation for that one! So familiar but not well-known.

I used to have a checklist of importance in my life (order of priority) of people in my life. First was my little sister. I had high hopes we'd be closer one day. Second was like, sleeping. (yes the list wasn't a list about people)

But since it's a summer checklist time and I tweeted about having traditions/rituals having to do with the start of summer. I can ignore telling about those with warmth. Lol.

Anyways, I need to p-p- pe -pee: perkele