Tuitui tuutilullaa

 Postia. Kortti Ranskasta sendsomething kautta. 9 atc korttia kun olin tehnyt swapin niistä niin se palautui jo toinen sellainen. Kutsu kave...


sunnuntai 6. helmikuuta 2022

“An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.” -Gandhi (but so does drinking battery liquid)


Storytime. Melodramatic. My tears are for me only, both the happy and fear and hate and sadness. Don't try to make me feel. Thanks. The one warm one rolling down my cheek as I looked away from stage and the boy I looked at thought I was crying for him. He didn't know it was a happy tear for getting away for a year.

 Hurtful things was said. Elbow tactis. My depressed friend taking it out on me. I don't want to believe what she was telling me as her truth. If I give a blowjob I'm being submissive to a guy and should be raped too because I'm disgracing her gender, explicitly telling me I am a whore. I told her that it is against the law, my honor is being defaced. Sex worker maybe, but she got so worked up about my oral fixation. I don't believe she was a narcissistic psychopath like she kept saying she is.  She'd kept some rocks and my postcards to her, showed her keepsakes. Valentine's Day card and London card. She told me things I hadn't known, and between shots of alcohol things felt clear.

I know drunken people early from the childhood. Maybe I have more inhibitions than the sub-conscious leads to believe.

My limits are going to break if I associate with drunks. I will have had enough, I'll disappear if you can't be around me anymore as you only want hurtful things to me anymore. I'd love an apology from last night but sadly it's all shit and puke.

 It isn't honorable to make others feel bad about themselves, giving them a reading how everyone hates them and how they don't deserve to live. Backstabbing bitches should strike first. I can shout back at your insults, the worst of them being about permission to exist.

She told me to get out of there a few times. She told me to forget. What am I going to do about any of this?

She told me to delete pictures and didn't believe me when I said I've never mentioned her name online. To her; loyalty is important and trust but she's not rough or honest or raw like me she is steel hard and the verbal abuse was just personal and all I could do was not let her like, affect me..? I shoud be scared of her and everyone's always going to be on her grandious side... that's how it felt what she was saying, comparing it to how my family is ignorant. 

I told her I'm Gandhi and she quoted Gandhi. "if the world was an eye for an eye, there'd be no one alive" or whatever (*) and I told her peace isn't the way, it is the way. I'm quite sure she's understood civil disobedience wrong...

She told me what the psychiatrists already told me years back. My worst fears becoming real. She threw it all at me. Was I supposed to break. What was I supposed to do? That she's the only friend I have and I'll never do something she'd disapprove? Well, if you want to control me, you're going to have to get to know some other victim.

Yeah we are both female and we both are crazy. Bad stuff happens. I refuse to believe my life is a bad joke. I don't need to stand up to myself, you already shit on everything you love.

Been listening to my fav band non-stop while trying to move these things out of my head. You don't catch toe fungus from best friends. :o

but really what's the point..? You felt alone while you were with me? You believe everything people talk about you? 

I don't see myself, like others do so yeah I turn a blind eye, ok. If that makes us two teenagers. My so-called passion for screens, and computers, like there was something to me. Attracts shitheads, cuz I am so impossibly... undifferentiated... *gives up trying to explain why your subjective views of me are wrong and let's you rage on...* while stigmatized, unnerved, just spitting things out of your mouth like I was supposed to care anything you see in my aura lol

I mean, too much is too much of the same. And I am comfortable in me. That whore word is just enough, because you agree with rapists... I once kneeled in front of my mum and shouted whore but it was... a shaky desperate resort

Can't take out my eyes like a saint only cuz someone liked them. Not fair it isn't, this priviledged time I was given. Fastest sperm, I was. All is not my fault since birth... you can accuse me but that doesn't mean I was old enough

life is a fuckery given to all and without it we'd be virgins, but this is an old t-shirt