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kävijäpiikki

Kannustajajoukot

I was worried until I wasn't

 Weird dreams this morning. I could try to explain stuff in them but I doubt they exist. I was logged into my fave bands socials (Seether) and I could see my interactions with them but instead of following myself by them I deleted my own profile. Some old guy had invited me to some mystery mystery party and it had probably been his computer. We played a sticker book game where the pieces just appeared and they were slided across. It wasn't a play to win. Then I asked if the hamster I saw was kept free and no, it was fetched for me to see. It was more golden brown than mine and looked a bit stressed haha. I was left thinking of "godmode"

Anyway. I didn't tell happy birthday to my fave actor. I try not to show up too much. I try not to be toxic. I am already extinct like so many animals. If I spent a week or two without social media or blogging I don't think anyone would get interested.

Last thing I bit into was a raddish. I made forest fruits loose tea with honey and a sandwhich from toast, ham, cheese. There were elevator repairmen outside my door. It is probably my weight that breaks it and I live on top floor. I am not sure. I weighed 124+ kg this morning and it was less than yesterday but I've weighed less and the trend is up

Bought the stores last Trick or Treat chocolate bars 180 grams yesterday that I had not tried. The flavor was familiar though. I got an energy drink, pieces of gouda cheese, and "glad you said it aloud" cigarettes that the cashier almost forgot while he was looking for a menthol flavor slips under the register

I mean, it's so hard to transfer thoughts on any diary, blog, paper, etc because a lot of things I remember, are visual. I don't write fiction but sure some of my writings are hard to crasp anyway and I just think useless. I don't kill my darlings but I don't have to make up as I go. I am belieavable. I don't say something while my mouth is full of soup, you know.. I'm not fake but never caring about me is still quite common dunno

A new perspective. Don't write for anyone, and when you say what you think don't expect people cared, you'll be relieved.

Mom has a ticket to a handicrafts convention for Saturday but not sure I want to take the trip there, I was there one year.

I felt pretty speechless yesterday because the woman I was worried about, found her phone and came back online and I had been worried she'd gone missing. Sorry? Sorry that random people have messaged you if you've been murdered...

I felt like an idiot. I don't worry.

What else. People on the roof until end of month. Waking me up 7am and I still go back to bed but it's not uninterrupted.

Stiff like me this writing is. I actually hurt when I try to do exercises that would make me more flexible. I can't do anything I was able to before. It is very demeaning. Can't even put my legs up a wall without feeling something uncomfortable on my hip. If I do for a while I get numb anyway. Maybe it's the meds in my muscles? Those sedatives. Weight neutral, ssri, milky liquid, hundreds of grams that don't belong in my body and not sure what they even do? I only notice bad side effects no matter how much you prescribe me with

I want to move. I can't. I don't have to. Yeah sure like I don't need to breathe either. Rape culture be like super helpfull sometimes to make sense to patriarchy and violence and whatever nobody dies a virgin, life fucks everybodyyyy

Take care tinglies and if you are gay then, sit on a piping

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