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keskiviikko 1. huhtikuuta 2020

Atheism sounds nice... like a nest I might make from the sound of nature's symphonies and die in it never to move again when they call my name

I take it back. I don't like Groundhog Day kind of movies when there's some kind of alien cuckoo around and you're stuck in a suburb. Watched the most anxiety increasing movie that one could watch at home. I mean I kind of knew what was happening throughout but still the actors tears and fear and digging themselves a hole to be buried in just... so hopeless. No way out. I think they probably died of age though they did not age on the outside. The way nature has made a bird that kicks the host bird's young out of the nest so that it's "mother" could keep only it fed, it's the most horrible twisted thing only nature could invent.
I listened to Beetle the Bard audiobook, a few children's stories told in the Potter universe, and fell asleep to those. The Grimm Brothers made up a lot of dark stories too and the way some big movie companies have distorted them into having happy endings and lots of singing is also in a way disgusting.
I made chicken with sauce and rice. I don't feel very nourished though. I always hated eating. It's the same thing over and over again just to live. What about it can make one feel good? I looked at my turd this morning and told myself "eat shit" like I'm so tired of life yet I don't think these a deficiency that would make me even consider.
People outside walking dogs. Wish I had a dog but that would be cruel too. What is there worth living really. I'm not just self-isolating but there is nowhere to go. Can't escape the dullness of my lonely mind. Same schemas every day. A model of behaviours, thoughts, everyday mud to stomp through and gray mist to see through. Where's the light? Colors? What is new when everything has been invented already. Earth goes around the sun. Wind blows. A seed of some tree falls of your hair. Your cold shadow follows you like the smile of your first crush. It's all damp and depressing and maggots will eat you. Circle of life.
There is no God. Just something you saw on television and laugh at afterwards to yourself while thinking, if they could hear and see you now. We're all crazy some people just are allowed to talk about others a different way while bursts of happiness may sometimes occur even in those times deemed inappropriate. Memories, visions, little delusions to trick things being more interesting.
The sound of on ambulance siren long gone still stuck in your ear drums while you have a shower. Perfect and forever as if you want to step foot in Heaven. Filled your purpose and then rest?
Proof of things happening and changing is in the small things. Where does an eye lash end up after you've brushed your eyes with your fists to get rid of the dirt of yesterday's worth of blinks and squints. It was dead matter already your hair. Living thing formed of so much dead things like an ocean's cold arms. First it stabs like a million blades but stay long and it's deadly. Most painful way to die is drowning yet it is a pretty popular way to kill yourself. I don't feel like hurting myself. Leaving marks on my skin to be feeling alive or not feel numb or whatever and I've hurt myself enough to heal. I just sleep. Perhaps one day I don't wake anymore. I'll become possessed. Whatever possesses me to write daily in this shit is just waste of my life too. Nobody gonna remember me.
Everything has it's peak or when you blossom or glow and then your time is up... I'm not leaving anyone behind. I won't multiply. There's not enough room on this planet or love. I'm not a normal human being. I'm a bastard  and rather not think of it as winning to have been the fastest sperm. I don't smile but downwards, my eyelids are droopy, my hair is a mess and I don't plan to get back up after I've fallen. I'm in that endless bottomless pit. Purgatory, void. Can't get rid of myself how hard I tried. Depressed is my middle name.