A keeping of my ugly straight face home

 Been awake for two hours. Netflix decided to blip 18euros from my bank account so I'm trying to watch it for the money but I've seen everything or not interested. Watched two episodes of a period costume drama from a couple of years back. It's not my style really. Not a big fan of romance, marriage and babies. What else can I occupy this time with? Clearly there isn't much things to do as a societal rebuke. Having a mental illness has left me crippled on my own, poor and avoidable. Only in my dreams can I leave this two room flat.

Had some mango sweetened milk products for breakfast. A local ready made meal, with a barbecue sauce and pickled onion, which I shoved in the microwave. Been drinking a nonsugar fizzy drink, half a bottle left from yesterday.

Last night I tried to think of movies to buy in my permanent collection in Apple TV. In 2012 I bought two movies and none since. Ice Age 4 and Batman. Asked ChatGPT for recommendations. Best movies are indeed from 1992-1996. It's not just nostalgia but whatever. Best it could do was Interview with the Vampire since I had asked it in another chat recently should I continue to book 4 of the series. I don't think I realized when I was a teen that it's a love story between two men and more vampires and men, since the other vampire, seemed rather bisexual so there was hope for a heterosexual pairing. Not sure if I understood it then. I did write fanfiction between male participants when I was fifteen. I just don't recall reading it the way it's presented in the newest series about the books. Although Dracula's been represented as a woman in the latest series I watched... it's all very... wrong to cast black people as those described in the books to be fair or white. It ruins the whole movie and I don't intend to be rascist, no way. But anyway, I thought about getting Phantom of the Opera or Cruel Intentions but those movies couldn't be found on Apple TV. I added them on my profile as my favorite movies on letterboxd though... least I could do. The movies I like are probably old but at least not black and white! Ew. I'm afraid to watch some classic cult movies I haven't watched yet, as well. I've seen bits of them. Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, not my thing. Never seen Die Hard. Although I kinda remember looking at the tv when this main actors penis was floating in water so I might have gotten traumas as a child. It's true, I googled it. Totally feasible. Nowadays the appendixes aren't real apparently. Well what's real in movies anyways. Not props.

I have written now for a half an hour these wild takes. What to read when crime and romance don't appeal to me? When an occasional horror and fantasy novel give me a ticket to other worlds and dystopians and epic worlds, plots and character developments. I will read most of the books that other people most read. I grow tired of young adult already. I had to reread one because heartbraking as it was, I missed a few details or the entire book on how Haymitch won his Hunger games... Not much unlike when I was ten years old and missed, having read a couple pages too far and had to come back to it. The whole book is a premise to get rid of a ring then when it happens I don't catch it happening. So anticluster, anti cathargic. Disappointing to have happened, enraging. Damn Gollum, damn the ring, damn the whole adventure. What a childrens book! Burn it in the depths of Mount Doom too!

I can't with people who won't read certain things I like. The only people who shouldn't cannot with me are people who think Tolstoy isn't a waste of time to spend reading. Realism can suck my dick. I mean, I am not fond of drama and boring real life growing up like that movie Boyhood. Refused to watch that. Gone with the Wind. No thanks. Real? Authentic? Fuck off. I want an escape. Grow an imagination. See the words in your mind. If you can't you'll be bitter and angry but at least you can taste the words. I'm sorry for all the aphantistic losers. You don't know what you are missing. The redness of the round ball. Juicyness of the apple. It's just expensive ink to you or dead trees skinned alive I bet. Can't really imagine what it's like not to have mental images. Well kind of can since I don't feel pleasure as much with my drugs... comparable? Dopamine functions don't recycle normally because the ssri drug goes there betweens the neurons fucking up my brain chemistry I always wanted to trust, without, drugs I never needed.

Well isn't this the time to quit rambling on🥀. Before I start hating on everything homely and well-knownst and actually revealing I belong nowhere. I am the darling that should've been killed but just snuffed instead. I'd be an exceptional genious. Instead they promised me cognitive decline. And my age, well, guess they don't on average mostly sleep all day and miss what's going on. Take podcasts for example. Wouldn't know where to start listening. Just not interested in taking my thoughts to wrong places. Boring history for sleep, maybe.

What brings people closer also brings them further apart..