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maanantai 4. maaliskuuta 2024

The unjust parade, A rant

I am very much afraid I've changed. OR I've always been this way. 
Disgruntled at the way I'm being treated, upset nobody believes me, and that they don't care about anything but their subjective views of, what is happening in my life therapists or relatives, who do not know.
 I'm none of those things people are led to believe which always leads me to be alone. Telling me how everyone hates me... as if I deserve to be ignored, abused, and not loved or worse, live because I was so ugly and fat or a rude piece of shit to the mysterious extrovert person who they don't even know but place above my meek- voiceless- introverted "self"unacceptable non-therapeutic slander and critique how I was even broken (Yeah I know, my sentences do get too long when I try to make sense)

Clinically removed from society for a diagnosis of which every paragraph is a lie and if, I had been listened to, would never have come about to destroy the rest of my life. 

I can't stop fucking thinking about it whenever I think about MY personality, HOW I don't have friends, or can't have children, or shouldn't even work. I'm afraid my new cognitive skills test since 10 years, will come back as... they feared, that I was not on as an intelligent level anymore as I hope I might've been...

Personality is like just a few words of how people remember you. It doesn't say anything about Kajsa that she is a blogger. How I describe myself, as having a mental illness, violates their rules, that I even exist sometimes or got to say what I want without having to read some jargon about them not tolerating child abuse and advertisers making claims my content violated some rule. I'm just too proper. I am from Finland. In Finland everyone has the right to be put away on a closed ward. It goes against WHO and UN recommendations. There is a a citizen iniatitive now to change that and has under 300 signatures. Nobody cares, about human rights.

My name is Kajsa. I have been on a pension since 2009 diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia, so I haven't been working and I'm still feeling bitter* about it. I blog daily on I have watched about a thousand movies in my 35 years of life. I can no longer have kids. I am obese but only since being put on medication. I only had one important relationship in my life, and he took advantage of me. I don't have friends anymore and, I'm fine with exploring life on my own. Writing to pen pals and collecting paper goods. I sleep too much of the day. I've always been good with computers. I wish with AI –I could help me develop my personality and interests. I have all the time in the world, for self-improvement, just stuck in this weight and don't like my appearance as I'm getting older. *I had to google the word 'bitter' because I could not for the life of me remember what it was they called me, since I don't feel bitter, just wronged

At least with my ex-best friend, I felt as if someone else had been wronged so much more than me by the health care system. I met her as my roommate in rehab. I could've gotten any flat but rented from her family. Finally, she couldn't appreciate my calmness and endless toleration of her psychotic drunken behavior. She decided to show how much I could not be trusted, even if all of that was her being paranoid because I had never said anything about her to anyone. I will not look at someone after 13 years who won't trust me and just give cold shoulder like I was nothing and I didn't understand why she's being the most unfair bitch whoever had the nerve to judge me and rub me the wrong way like she was above me and anyone else's opinions would matter more. I wanted to choke her for thinking she was being pristine and socially just, perfect. Maybe I was silent for too long. Maybe I ruined our friendship and the evening but if that's all it took then we are not friends whatsoever. I miss myself and how patient I was with her until recently.

My moral high ground is just not lowering myself to the deep levels of bitchiness. I am happy no matter how much you bad-mouth me and really stank like poo. Perhaps I was more loyal than trustworthy and that was my fault for ever giving her a reason to try to get to know me. Animals suffer most when humans break up.
I don't have friends. I have a few lady acquaintances who are loud and talk for a living on the phone and then a couple of disabled friends with sexual deviations because they are asexual. I don't have friends with benefits. I could try to booty call some people but why bother when they never ask about how I'm doing? It is the problem. I'm not feeling adventurous anymore. I wouldn't visit Helsinki by train to cuddle with some American who is visiting Finland in a few days. I only ever have gotten lost in that city I hate.


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Emotionally versatile