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pe 19.4- klo 19.44

 Kävin juttelemassa psyk. hoitsulle. Se ei ollut sama jolle yleensä kevennän mieltäni (koska olin ajoissa! niin joo ja kahvin ja munkin ehdi...

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perjantai 4. elokuuta 2023

Losing my feelingness of "safety" and wondering if I should disappear from adult sites for reals now I got a scare!

 Sorry not sorry. Present and not dissasociating? Getting laughed at and doubted the whole experience happening, though I've not even made it into an investigation. Called back by professionals. Rape kit. Yeah right. Yet anyway. And probably wouldn't hand them to police, but my butt is attached to me, unfortunately both ways that goes with male genitals... he didn't have to be such a jerk, use force, and punish me for doing my job, and be that taboo whore rapist with wife and possibly fake name and birthdate, on some new phone... on a humid day, I can't believe that clumsy tall drunk guy would have the intelligence to plan it, I don't think... but why say nothing? Just grunt and penetrate without consent all of a sudden (I asked what he was doing..?) and come on my mouth while I was trying to pleasure myself (still continuing it?) but the quick orgasm hurt, ruined. 36 hours later, I'm still in discomfort and lack of sleep, thoughts mulling over this. Blaming myself, thinking what I control I could have had. 

If I had worn something else. If he hadn't asked to take video. What a sick fuck takes evidence of their rape and even sends it to me when I ask. Trusting one? Chaotic industrious rapist? Why would I report what happened, when words aren't enough while it is happening... with what right did he consciously choose to hint that I should give him anything, since he only threatened me from the start.