Just because I know you hate nagging, doesn't mean I should stop

 Trigger warning: no romance or murder or poetic memory

**Kokeile uusia betaominaisuuksia**: Tee lukemisesta entistä kiinnostavampaa Googlen avulla

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The morning before my 38th birthday?

I need weightloss accountability and birthday gifts like money first of all. I gained weight yesterday from that pizza and some noodle-coconut cream-legumes frozen mix because I don't really have food right now... I did buy sliced bread, because I have so many spreads to put on them, and I have some milk so I can put it over fibre cereal.

I might have to bake that apple pie today for tomorrow. 

I got help from a friend yesterday to take some boxes downstairs. I could've done it myself if I had the motivation. Family will be coming over to see this place, for cakes and coffee. I had already been depressed and given up to the mess. So... stress from my own birthday, thanks.

I kinda hate my mouse too because it takes clicks double most of the time, especiallly in game.

*draws eyebrows*

I've seen a few guys in under their 20s who wear these 90s style pants situation. They go half down to the ground with visible underpants showing and or ass crack but I'm not sure if it's just me seeing them. Could be recession fashion. I am not really aware of the young people's soul imagery... I know they have slang like slay and w... but it just reminds me of like winner winner chicken dinner or slaying dragons, whatever it is... hawk tuah and hoa hoa season and these meme things pass so quickly, faster than I can swipe.

Mom sent me a small gift. That was so nurturing of her. I hate having to ask my best friend to wish me happy birthday and ask for birthday gift from my own mom, like what am I, 4?

I haven't heard anything in like 3 weeks from my secret lover. Said he had a lot on his plate and doesn't even read my messages anymore, or reply anything, so I guess I should forget about him. 

There is not enough sad songs in the world I could listen to. To cope from breaky achy heart stuffs. But. I can learn to be lonely. Seriously, fuck that guy and all the other ones too. 

You cannot take my energy from me unless I have something to give. Sure I might express my curves, fertility, abundance and affection on camera. I'm not unhygienic, dumb or clingy. I laugh at your innuendos for second-hand embarrassment. I don't watch porn, perhaps once a month. When you flirt with others and comment on girls asses on the street right next to me, my self esteem isn't linked to that. Not sure what a guy would do if they were addicted to me, probably be faithful and have their own love life. Obsession, lust, paranoia. I do like the thought of jealousy in a way, if it only made a difference to not cheating or if it wasn't ugly and violent and didn't judge.

Mostly I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I try. They lack the flow. No juices to keep flowing. I went to see a horror movie with a guy years ago and we kept matching and unmatching etc. humorless wanker. Or who knows what perverts some men are. I don't trust them anymore, not when they don't send me a picture or are nameless. That doesn't do it for me. Even if the first thing they want to do is send a picture of how awesome they are, I still don't owe them anything.

Fuck this tinder and fuck that bumble, I'm not giving away my energy, when all you do is bring me down with you. Hell, I've had enough sex to last me a lifetime. My body count is full. Men can't take it. I can only take all of them. OR none really. It's so hard to be asexual, my god. I'll probably get an orgasm from just publishing this complicated rant. I'll get a slap from Google and ads won't show again!

What's the point?

I just want to sleep past all my remaining days. Might be deadly, worse than sitting. I could try going to the gym more often or swimming or walking but my heart won't be in it. It would be just run.exe.

If I could just do something in no particular order with no motivation. No pinterest search, no Pilates book, not self hypnosis... just be someone else whose not this depressed and dark but still enjoy cosy dreaming in the warmth of her own hot blooded vertical company eyes closed... away. I've promised to live past 60, but who is going to be alive after 2050 anyway? Global warming will make it impossible to grow food in the equator. If even 1/10 people relocate, it's fucking over. Drill that. We don't need ai, we are human. We need all this unnecessary shit our environments have conditioned us to survive and adapt to, make up every single thing and brain connection.

I'm not dumb, I'm just really honest and helpful and lovely and good person. If that makes up for the awfulness of the reality your dirty boots walk on. Earthly happiness. I can offer from clouds. My head.

Aaaahhh

I'm like really good at giving head. I don't know where my device is that measures my A+ freestyle on the global scale of people having the trainer but like I quit after people could lock their cocks away as if that mattered more than a good ole bj skill to be able to get on those boards. You can still cum with a chastity device especially if your like a micro penis so wtf. my extreme deepthroat not good enough for you? Not that anyone deserves that. I might actually stay without birthday sex this year and it's been a month, my new flat hasn't seen any fucking yet, not been corked. I don't need anyone taking photos of me in sexualized, in the act, scenes for any onlyfans and their own evil satisfaction. I don't want that either. I just want to grow a long hair on my scalp and not smell like cigarettes but not have to smell smells from other people either. I want it clinically odourless. Sexless. Doesn't mean prideless or lifeless or that I wouldn't want girls nerve endings to be able to feel all the amazing things. I'm just against abuse. I might put myself on a collar and pretend I don't have to breathe, but that is experimental. I can feel all the bit dizzy as the guys whose legs shake when I make them cum. Sometimes I've seen their tells. My breasts have squirted milk. I've entrusted my life in the hands of a guy without even knowing his name. I've gone too far and made mistakes. I will never ever be doing those again. One red flag, and my interest flops like a disk.

Cause why not? I'm older than the internet and my brain activity is just electrochemical impulses. I'm just human, how could I have done any of these things? I have used the best 2013-2026 already every day writing about how I've been wronged in psychiatry and that Big Pharma, and people don't give a fuck about it they are so brainwashed. Let's take their human rights away, and see how they like that. But who would pay taxes then? How would this all recycle around and around. Probably with drugs that they don't even know how they work. A drugged society of zombies isn't that efficient.