I may not go and take walks or run, go to gym, or ski right now in this body. This body goes numb from standing or walking for half an hour. Has done it two years and I've not seen a doctor. I have loved explosive sports, skating and badminton... I used to walk a lot. When my BMI was 25, I did a hell of a lot of exercise to get there but psychiatrist claimed I lied. It was a shock, a horrible blow.
Past week I did fitness boxing for 4 days for like almost two hours total I think and sweat a lot. I counted my calories, not to go over 2000. I even drank a meal replacement meal. Still I'm the same amount of fat, or even more so on the scales, weighing the same. People's weightloss comments and promises, that their hate would stop if I lost weight, went to deaf metabolism. I'm ruined by the drugs. I am depressed, yeah. But I've seen the same body for ten years or more. I don't have negative self talk or bad self image. I don't blame anything else except the so-called help and discouragement and blaming I've received, and effects of the mood drugs that have destroyed my metabolism, given me diabetes and broken havoc on my intestines. I'ts a poison. I'm just a bio waste bin for cum.
I'm going to get a holistic type of massage today. Not sure how it will help on my numbness. Google search told me it would help on numbness, but maybe it was just an ai result for me. Not sure I have much hope on living very much longer if I can't even... walk or stand for over half an hour. Numbness. Sometimes it feels like my ass went cold, or my calves tingle, feet do the same. Not an excuse, but like an actual hinderance. It would be insane to continue when you experience it.
I've had stiffness and breast milk and restless sleep too on top of weight gain from previous drugs. Even if this is weight neutral, it's not helping. Destroys my insulin resistance. Makes my intestines fatty even if I don't drink alcohol. I could do anything in my power, be hungrier and lose my mind because of how hungry it makes me. But I couldn't lose weight. Nor would it matter. It seems people who don't want to see me, it matters more to them. Because they hate me. Because they don't understand the severe effects those drugs put on my body. Because they have are delusional and blame me for things I cannot affect. Society grooms them to think that sometimes it's better to give over someone's human rights to psychiatrists. You can only get obedient zombies this way. I'm the zombie, they at least can feel dopamine highs and feel good unlike me. My whole system is wired abnormally as an effect of the drug, I don't have normal regulation of pleasure hormones normal people poop out and get from food. I'm on antipsychotics.
It's as useless as telling the universe to stop expanding, except we can't even see it with normal eyes.
I fucking hate psychiatry for destroying my life. It was no help whatsoever. I can't suddenly refuse the drugs. People's delusions again. If it was so simple, I'd done it. They control me with fear. I have no actual safety net. I can't get work. Just because some disgusting selfish woman in 2008 said I had psychosis when I was young, without never even knowing me. Lying while I had no voice to defend myself any further to the system. I had no hallucinations or voices, positive symptoms whatsoever EVER. They just claim I curl deep inward into myself? But it's not a negative symptom, it's me trying to protect myself. I told them my mother's mum has scizophrenia. Fuck I can't even spell schizophrenia. I don't even know what psychosis is, and they don't either understand it or there wouldn't even be psychosis. Never tell about your family disease history, because apparently is instantly means you had it too.
Every day I'm writing about this the same things... it doesn't change people. It does not change stigma, legislation, it does not change that I don't want to be retired on pension or stupid benefits. It's a shock how they made me. I have only made my life harder by in every turn, sticking it up to them. But no. I'm not allowed to cry, laugh, pace around, rage clean, anything because when I do it - it's not "normal" like I... deserved more drugs by just existing because it's not hard enough to live already. Kill me with numbness. Doctors fuck up and another doctor has vowed not to reveal how fucked up another doctor has been. It's all a very secretive society of how Kajsa Blom hasn't deserved a life motherfuckers.
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