Borrowed time

 Excuse me while I'm rotten from all the spoiling of my life and down in the dumps just in bed dreaming about what could be. Sorry there's no word for resentment in my inner speech vocabulary.

”Cheap shock value and awkward pseudo-eroticism that falls completely flat. Honestly, this is basically just the gayest non-porn that wants to be porn” —Chinese guy review of one of my blog book. Demeaning women is his foreplay? Besides I’m #asexual. pic.twitter.com/0CW2flQMAK

— Kajsa 'kaysuh' Blom kitujainen dot com ²ka͜ɪsa (@kajsa_blom) October 30, 2025

Ate a few meatballs with pepper mayo on top, a fruit, a capsule milk coffee. Was a bit full of fat my meal. I've been dreaming of less than 2100 kcal diet, weekly 15k allowance. I can achieve it with no eating disorder meals I call them, like microwaved cakes or dough or pasta "salads" from mayo and tuna and rice or pasta. I mean I will lose when I'm depressed and just sleeping, because I'm not eating. Also not exercising. I should walk daily and eat enough protein and drink water. It's kinda like my own advice for acne: wash your pillow cases more often, and drink more water; if it's hormonal then get on the pill.

Yesterday on Halloween 31st. I just listened to an audiobook and mostly slept. I did update I wasn't celebrating it, but like. Nobody would have said Happy Halloween to me. My fav celeb was Gomez and his gf was the mother from Addams family with her ample breasts. I just watched Wednesday this year and it almost saved the Addams family characters for me, behaving like a disfunctional but happy family almost. Now it's ruined again. Did not like. Maybe even disliked a lot, like please anything else but that. But who cares? There were better costumes, like Medusa from H. Klum. Los adultos making fools outta themselves. It's not like I believe in supernatural, more like paranormal like power of dreams as an ability to see things. Or destiny, a crone's intuition, the vision based on your main character vibe.

One dream was apparently true and mutual. His dream and mine had Trump in it and we both were in New York. Me waking up when I text to invite the guy there. I mean, dude is half way across the world and hasn't messaged me in days or like weeks but I know in my dreams where he's at? I'm a rem location device lol

Maybe I don't want to know who your dressing up as because I'm just hurt your all having a better time than me. I've tried to organize Horror parties. Nobody really came to them. Adults suck ass if they'd have to pretend to have an inner child. Well you can't lead them to fun, just free alcohol and snacks and even then it's just you.

in Finnish we have this thing called henkireikä, it means something that allows you to stand all the other shit, of without you couldn't live on... mine is writing a blog, and reviews aren't exactly applauding. Some Chinese guy accused me of being non-porn that wants to be porn, an pseudo-erotic and whatever but I'm not at all sexual more like asexual so his one-sided view of my daily ramblings or plot, probably wasn't even real, he just wanted to offend without even reading my work.

Anyway. All I get is accusation and people want to offend me when I write this piece of site that is my henkireikä. It's like a pipe, or tube that I breathe through. If you block my spirit, I'm done for... usually not but it'd be like choking me when or if you'd take it away. And it's all people do. They want to hate me. They want to be petty and revenge, laugh at my expense. I don't get to have any opinions. I don't get a life. I am shunned by society and I shun all of it's and its culture too. Crappy singers and national pride. I don't want foreigners here instead either to migrate because of climate change. It's not my solution. But I hate back. The era of white Nordic supremacy with round faces and blonde hair is over and out. I was blonde as a kid. Then I drank too much coffee and got darker. Now I'm a mousey gray or brown. Not remarkable. Would've loved to pass on my grey eyes but nobody let me. I may not be motherly or nurturing, but I did plan to breed until it was too late. Days turn to years, and suddenly you are fifty in like ten years and all the skanky men are dead.

Rotten. Eggs. If my only audience is made out of shitty men, I am in troubled waters. I am not a man hater. Men just turn everything beautiful to shit, don't know how to create life so they just kill. Make war, not love. Eh. I need a stroll outside. There's no point in anything. Sleep, eat, write. Be a piece of human shit bag. Worthless to anyone. Abundant and fat. Have my stickers in my skin, my scars, every deserved story. Nature would have killed me in 2003 with an appedicitis.

My fupa is fat, my camel toe is a big round ball of fat. In Finnish it's häpykumpu, and if someone has lots of nerve, she has "häpyä". My cunt knows a lot. A is for asexual not ally. And I'm not the gayest non-gay wannabe porn pseudo-eroticism anything. I don't see people attracted to each other, or how they see me. I'm blind to it. I can only guess the inner need to reproduce. I was a virgin for 20 years. Then I bloomed and it was hell. Everything is hell. I was right. I'm always right. and I'm a good person. Honestly, fuck your pride. Fuck your helping hand, I'll bite it. with my small neat teeth. Already fucked, see?