A disheartned unhuman heart in the peoplewatching busy world, but thanks for your mental noise

 For someone who doesn't want help, I've been helped more than I could ever want. I don't believe in neurospicyness or autistic superpowers. Do what makes you feel better but don't label and self-diagnose yourselves. Too common these days. No offense, but I don't believe in your psyche symptoms and psychology biased trials. This kitchen table popularizing and normalising studying yourselff, is too far gone, not getting rid of stigma.

 Schizophrenia is something nobody understands, and I've never been psychotic. Some useless people who think they are helping, only react to terminology that is meant to hold power over you. Especially if they want to oppress you and destroy your life. I was the most healthiest I've ever been when I was young, and I got locked up and gained 100 pounds and got all kind of physical sickness from their legal drugs... prescribed before another drug would have it's side symptoms.

My journal was only for myself but the old-fashioned doctors called it "a forum" I had "internet texts" and read them out loud to me. It was not why I wrote them, not for anybody else to understand, I was that clever.

Start again in an another life if you trip and fall in this one. Let the mess gather around you. Don't pay your pink tax for being a woman, fit and healthy being my only crimes. I was there, in the same gym as another, a cop like 5am. I saw the fire officer look at me when I walked past on my 14 kilometer walk I took to town. The social workers, nurses mocking me and I mocked them with my slouch and my quietness over singing in the halls I was going to the nut house...

I didn't know why or where I was. I did read a folder of Pitkäniemi hospital in the lobby. I saw them foaming at the mouth, listened to their crazy and wanted nothing to do with them. I wasn't these people, it was unfair.

 I hated talking to whoever was in charge of me. There is a system to uphold that law that anyone has the right to be admitted agains their will. Nobody cares, when you think it's a shock and unpleasant and life-ruining, something to fight against... against my human rights. Nobody cares about it. They say system's understaffed. They say you can't get help if you really need to. Yeah because it's where you hold people against their will and study them! Told me to act normal and what is real even though they didn't believe a word I said, what I had achieved.

I can't let it go. I write about it every day on this blog since 2013 and nobody's helped me one bit, except leaving me alone. Telling me that when they told about me to some expert, they diagnose me based on my description. I was never autistic. Some psychologist studied me, claimed I cheated on his tests and muttered something about my autistic logic.

The prediction my cognitive abilities would drop below average, has come true- and it's a fail on my part but the only thing I ever wanted was to trust my own psyche.

I don't want attention. I don't want thought transfer. I don't read minds. I don't deduct shit about people or my surroundings or puzzles or math problems anymore. I am as stupid as a rabbit, my temper discouraged to that of a sheep. That's the worst psychological torture you have, to help with me.