Dope-a-mine

Yay Fri-yay *bleep*

 Before dawn my mind runs in circles — science, religions, witch hunts, Muslim men’s subjugation of women for their own lust. The need to convert others. The arrogance of Charmed not being available to stream. The old gods didn’t seem to object to the new ones, not at first. At least not all people think they can use science to prove their beliefs. That’s the most exhausting part, how every tool gets weaponized.

What haven’t I missed?

I only wanted to sleep until one in the afternoon. I took my antidepressants this morning, but the body still says: lie down, stay down, pretend to sleep until it’s real sleep. Not exist for a while. It feels nice, actually — that slow fix of fake-dozing, my dopamine drip.

Meanwhile, attention is always given to the most corrupt. Those who got into power. The United States acts like an authoritarian state with a dictator who makes laws up just to put the lowest down and push the highest even higher. The gap stretches wider, billionaire vs. consumer. A stage play of cruelty disguised as politics.

On a smaller scale, I’m curious about learning and study aesthetics, but I don’t have the cozy “study corner” TikTok loves. My desk is messy. I don’t wear socks at home. I’m not into lo-fi playlists. Does that disqualify me from being a student of anything?

At least my Xiaomi robot cleaner has no such insecurities. It did some floors today, cleaned my Shein mat with its mop like it recognized it from home.

I am a person on the internet. Sometimes I wonder: am I older than the internet? I remember the early days — Pokémon glitches, Xena episode summaries, printing hamster things out in the ’90s. I did an IQ test online at thirteen. I understood English before I spoke it, saw words before I felt them in my mouth. My relationship with language has always been visual first.

Netflix threw “Fit for TV: The Reality of the Biggest Loser” in my face. I didn’t need to watch it. I know the story. I know why it got canceled, why Jillian is missing from the documentary. It’s stupid and disgusting, tells us nothing new.

What I actually want to study… rhetorics, personal finance, personality theory, higher education, how to write scientific texts, law jargon, journalistic vocabulary, printing tech, etiquette, chemistry, metaphysics, contemporary art, philosophers, mobility, species-specific life activities, diet and reproduction. SEO too, because apparently you can’t get away from it.

It’s a long list. A slow fix, again. But mine.