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Eskaloitui. Olen froggy lover


tiistai 27. helmikuuta 2024

Important context to provide

I need to stop thinking I'm a bother. Stop trying not to disturb anyone by making noise. I deserve to breathe a lot,... A song called You're A Lot starts playing...
Yea, what a piece of work! Said my cosmetic surgeon when I got a smartlipo of 8 areas and had to recuperate on my own.
Must I repeat myself, how I can't rely on anyone? Nobody is ever coming to save me. I've lived 35 years and it's a bad world. My mom was my enemy. Dad was strict.
Well, they still are alive but I there's no point in running away.
I lost my voice when I had a cold and they put me into a closed ward, my diagnosis starts with "being meek when admitted" when I couldn't defend myself because they made me lose my voice. I think I always lived just waiting for this future where smartphones are on every hand, people leave a digital trail and how did ads become such a big thing?
When I was small I had the concentration ability of like a rock, I couldn't hear or see anything else but the book I was reading. Thought it was funny, but they did. And when I typed on a laptop like first time, he said he was afraid I was going to be better than him one day. I did IQ tests online and researched of Wicca... tried making friends when I didn't want any and made that virtual wizard school and listened to music and made small gifs and like really precision work
Did I forget to mention I always (b)logged? I wonder what my first livejournal entry is. I can still log into myspace and one of my connections is Rihanna. Bebo. last.fm. I got a lifetime ban from irc-galleria. greatestjournal. photobucket. webcams... did I play games online and had screensavers. E-mail. Always been good with computers. IT was like playing to me as a kid?
I think memes weren't that big of a thing before like after 2015? Will they lose meaning? Inflation and whatnot. *googles memes* oh yea I remember drinkin' cola with the violent aunt and having a sugar rush laughing at the dancing baby on the television, while she worries what's gotten into me and whether I need punishment.
At fault, I was not. In 1996 my sister was born also. I cried a 100 tears when she was a baby and screaming. I did leave her outside for a bit when adults were doing groceries, crying behind the locked door and I regret it ever since but she was such a pathetic little thing... being the only oldest kid to parents who never were together and was just used as leverage to get back money during a recession...
Sigh. That's just what is coming to my mind this day. I was not liked by anyone. I did get hugged by my sister when I got back from the UK when I was thinner but that's about it for caring.
Sometimes you escape the wrong things and a rug is taken from underneath your feet. I was so freaking intelligent but also naive and helpless.
If someone said I was schizophrenic I promised to agree to their comment in my livejournal, write a note to my relative that they hurt me by calling me schizophrenic and they promised to keep the note because it was in writing...
I never saw or heard anything. I wasn't even anxious. Everything I watched was shit and I was teary-eyed and tired when nobody hurt me. I wasn't allowed much... just expected to do things I hadn't been taught to do like making my bed... it was a torture not having blinds and having acne on my face (my only disease) and hearing raindrops beat on a windowsill outside at night unable to sleep.
I did not sleep 2 days trying to torture myself ok and when I finally fell asleep... I had no time to be on the computer in my room all the time and even if I had, it had been normal as I know now. I was attempting to take classes for Finnish exams and also driving school while not wearing glasses for some Scientology reason it was a disease. I did collect a few pear seeds but only a kilogram would've been a lethal dose of cyanide. The whole town was bullying me... "she's going to the *name of an asylum I didn't know about where I was*" was just singing tauntfully by nurses and social workers were checking me for going to the toilet because I also had my period not just meek from not having a voice and having to explain writings on the internet. They'd print out a finger-thicc pile of documents and want to talk crazy shit I didn't agree to, except when I said I don't want to talk about it so suddenly I agreed on some symptoms... as if they examined me just put on drugs and I gained weight right away...
Unfair but I guess... nah there isn't a silver lining lol to have that shock when you're not even 21 yet.
Life pro tip hack or whatever: never tell a psychiatrist your mom's mother has schizophrenia. Nobody wants you and you end up in some sort of housing for crazy peoples who are just meant to parade around the city as a warning to others