this isn't a drill

 By the way that has had to be the shortest post I've ever posted. Washed my hair today. I was scraping away my dandruff from my scalp and it got all red and tender– Ugh, I hate weakness– so I had to try calm it down with a menthol scrub and then teatree shampoo... seal off with a hydrating conditioner; ofc. Still feels like I'd bumped my head on something. Smells nice tho. Me and my gaming chair are skin to skin and I usually have at least 3 layers of protection between my genitals and it. So that's me not giving a fuck at this moment. Just watched a movie and finished another. Crocheted another flower, just need to glue it in place. Might give them for Christmas prezzies, all handmade and me being poor as fuck. Thoughts count etc etc.

I had bran cereal for breakfast. Then I ate a lot of tortilla chips and a salsa. Still no meat. But the deficiency is minimal. At least my face cream has healing properties. Talking about a dry corner of the mouth. Also I got a lip balm as a gift from pen pal so that's been nice. I don't believe in lip balm or dandruff shampoo– they create the problem, or worsen what they were meant to be used for.

So, I don't think I've done anything all week. I ordered groceries. Dropped everything I wanted off the list before time ran out, after putting everything in the online basket I could ask for pretty much. Chocolate, ice cream, that sorta thing. Anything making life worth living tbh but I have to buy more of the mood stabilizer poison from the pharmacy and I have a Christmas concert I signed up for and especially a friend who wants to come over for a night. So, bills to pay and tickets to get.. no gas, just move my ass.

Today I finished watching a thriller and a comedy from streaming services. I'm tired of my three games: Elvenar, Merge Mayor, Pokemon Go. They are a big time suck. I could be pedaling my stationary bike while I play. Instead I sit on the toilet seat. -.- I'm a casual player. I get addicted to simple games pretty easy. Almost like idle games but I don't have the patience for those. I make it a sport of not having to pay in a pay to win game.

Sometimes I wish I could put my phone down like a receipt on a spike, or zoom in real life something that's actually on a screen, or just basically make my electronics useless but I guess gadgets are kinda useless. They lose value in use and are no longer magic. I mean, yeah I got up today from bed because iPhone 17 was available again but I didn't have enough credit to get one, was missing a hundred euros to get the 999 euros phone... And I paid extra 180 this month, but guess it's not enough. Yet... Ugh. I'm not a technophobe. Techphobe? Whatever Tolkien was. I'm more afraid that more of my impossible-at-the-time, ideas become everyday tools. Ideas are free, yeah. I never got wet (that's a Finnish idiom) from knowing computers being a universe alongside reality, the internet being available to all anytime in your pocket kind of boomer disapproval of not handing it to kids... sugar doesn't make you hyper, adults do. It was so wrong to claim I was schizophrenic for believing all this 2025 nonsense in 2008. I wasn't just on my computer and in my room all the time. I was actually exercising, going to gym and swim and bike and walk to another city through routes kind of losing weight and nobody believed me. Normal weight doesn't show on the outside apparently, how much you accomplish. It's just your "metabolism"

I'm not... I always forget the word... it's not in my immediate vocabulary... sour that what they put me through even though I was not in danger except from the idiots trying to "help" me reactively and in their small-minded subjective ways.

Bitter yeah, almost had to ask chatGPT.  What a resentful word. People who like sour tastes are more intelligent. People who drink are more intelligent. Women have a better taste palate than men. But what do I do with these pieces of popular science findings? Make people hate me apparently because nobody wants to see a witty woman. I'm out of gas to be made fun of turning me into farm animals, paste my face on goat and pigs. People will go to lengths to point me out that I'm self-explanatorily deserving of their hate and spat from just the pics I post.

Whatever. Always been the same. Peaked in high school. Ugly, fat, badly behaved. Not deserving to live. From people who don't know me. Neighbors or acquintances whom I've been friendly or helpful to. Giving my shit free. I know nobody wants my shit. Like, a sofa or mold to make ice cream. A popcorn machine, waffle maker. I don't have space anymore though. And what's the point of those items? I was told I'm not glamorous. So maybe I don't deserve everyday luxury. And it's not my voice that tells I'm not worthy. It's random anonymous commenters that always strike where I'm softest.

I am a softie. People have stories that they repeat to themselves. Must be careful whose stories you listen to. Who you emphatise with. Friends, neighbors. Relatives and neighbor's neighbors, freebie hunting takers... I've given. I haven't gotten anything in return. Just blank stares, threats, gotten blocked. You can't give a blowjob to a man who already gets them from society. Everyday those men's schedules and entertainments is more important than my small wishes for tradition and stability. Where my mom is my enemy and replaced by evil stepmother in law. Where law makes you rich but also kind of an asshole as well. Where rich is kind of a brainwash from your parents wishes. So you don't want to impress. You just want to show how vulnerable and naive you still are young, and how much better you deserved from, well let's face it, you raised yourself up.

The name of the blog is something like raising-yourself-up journal right now...

I'm up. Not for sale. I suffer, but I'm happy about it. I am not a bully, people's biases just take for granted that when you talk about teasing. That you knew what the hell you were suffering for... but they like to see you suffer, so they do their best to isolate and tornment you and make you their problem. It won't work if you are just rock solid. It shouldn't matter that it's a rock that's made from candy cotton hugs from the inside. The rock is solid outcore. Like my shit, nobody knows what people are feeling and they don't care, because they are wrapped in themselves.

fire is a bad master

And this is just my table musings of psychology of trying to understand why everyone hates me. It hurts. Yes, it does. Knock knock. Who's here? ETERNAL SUFFERING AND BRIMSTONE AND FLAMESY HELLISH FUCKING meat grinding and burning flesh. Just my demons doing renovations at 8pm, ok? Is everyone going mad? Thank God it's Fri..freedomlandia in Kajsaville of Fatgliness of ugly souls.

really wtf that drilling is making a hole in my ears. who the fuck is doing this.