Ah yes, my spoiled life of getting everything right...🌧

 Not sure what I need to withstand today... to be strong for, have energy for. I ate two bowls of fibre cereal and an ice-cream boat after noon. I slept 6+4 hours like a kid. *coughs phleghm at my screen and back of my hand*

I guess I need something to live for. This mess is one good excuse, would be too embarrassed to die before I sort everything out...

Twas pretty drunk yesterday. It's still a week to go to May Day celebrations. Will the rest half of alcohol I bought, last or will I drink the absinthe and white wine? I mean I was drunk, but it made things feel just slightly better. It was comforting. Like a warm blanket but inside me. I don't usually drink alone, or start early but it's a mad, mad world.

I don't need approval from anyone. I don't need to comply with anyone's beauty standards, behavior, I can do what I want.

I should go for a walk but... one of my toenails is hurting. Walking in sandals all day on Tuesday, left some marks but nothing scarred. It doesn't matter if I walk on average, 10k steps every day. I did in 2018. It had no effect whatsoever on my weight on the scale. I was still fat.

I am pretty at a loss on what to do with my middle body excessive abscess... I will not get a lean stomach ever again... do I need one, well if I just was allowed to exercise and walk to ends of the earth and compulsively do free weights and be on my stationary bike every hour of the day, then... I'm afraid to do anything

Having to be an adult, but be dissed off as being in bad shape, or mentally ill, even though you were in the best lowest weight in your life at 66kg, to which you'd been losing towards the normal bmi, and had all knowledge of what your future could still hold... but no, they put you down and proved themselves right in their minds, except they are wrong. My relatives and special doctors, nurses. I wish they had gone fuck themselves.

I wouldn't be this huge. Everything would be easier. Except everyone would still be jealous of me, not give me a job, and just disrespect... help does not help. You chose to get offended by my existence and I suffered for it.