26.2.18

excrements

shiiit. almost clogged the toilet. I guess I ate a loaf of bread too much yesterday... I think I got my bowel moving by doing a teensy bit of strength exercise. Actually I googled yoga at first but whatever. I feel like a blob of unshapely fat... or as if I was pregnant. I had coffee this morning and 140grams of gingerbread cookies and a mug of tesco's hot chocolate made into water. I feel a bit hot and uncomfortable and oversensitive. It's really annoying to have dirty eyeglasses on your nose.

I think I'm at a weight right now that is my highest ever and I don't deserve anything or anyone talking to me. I feel too lazy to go out and walk because that won't help me at all. I still am recovering from a cold, so I couldn't do very intense exercise. Mostly I lifted 5kg dumbbells on my bed watching some youtube vids for like a few minutes and trying to listen to a hypnosis weight loss thing while I was pooping but it said to listen every day for a month and whatever

I hate that my MacBook won't have internet even though we finally got the wifi to work except only if it's connected by a cable to my iPhone 8 does it work....

I wish I wouldn't end up in situations where I can't affect my conditions anymore... like being fat, having debt, being in a miserable relationship, having parents who hate you, obsessively exercising in secret, having responsibilities to owning a pet, drinking all the cola you can find, collecting fruit seeds, living in an institution or housing, sleeping with too many people, that sort of thing where you think you have all the control in the world but maybe it's your habits and behaviour that you enforce and shouldn't even try to get out of because of your commitment to yourself or whatever

but you know that's how I roll. Living life one addiction at a time. I have to stop this weight gain though not only because the way I look but I feel sicker (if even possible)

This bra and my soft skin isn't mixing very well, I'm getting red marks.. but please distract me from the fact my belly is too huge,. my bmi is almost like 50 actually and I'm just at a loss of what to do... my laziness is battling with just existing taking too much effort ya know?

nothing really relaxes me. I've been sitting on this bed for I don't know how long these thoughts took their time to form out but I have a drop of sweat emerging from my temple any minute from just doing nothing else. unless typing doesn't burn 4 calories per minute

I wanna go take a 1mg parasetamol cuz of them cramps and headache from all this thinking
probably wouldn't help, might numb some of this

I don't care. I stink. No one ever listenes to me anyway. If peoples were under a spell of mine don't you think I'd break it?

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