27.7.17

typing away to dull this dullness...

Drank 3 litres of coke, which is about 1200-1300 calories from just sugar. Not had anything else, well maybe a bite of toast.. been watching Walking Dead. Those and packing some slams to swap in the mail and maybe trying to fill one I made (a slam) with questions... someone answered my 69 questions tag in a comment, it was a male... makes me wonder if they'd like to participate in some slams? Usually if I google swapping, it would have to do with swinging or flinging or wahtever parther swap... but this is mail art and I'd dun it since early 00's at least.
sigh... I think I might give up smoking, ya know. I will probably smoke with a friend of mine tomorrow, but I might stop buying some... I remembered smoking when I was working at a sawmill, having breaks et cetera in 2007 already, but I mean I did alright at the job for a while on my own but I think I might've needed some re-teaching on the job so I quit like a week or two before going back to high school... it was just a summer job. One morning someone had done a bit of mischief and it was pretty quickly cleaned up, how the wood was thrown all over the place in front of the lift, where I pressed buttons and had to run over the planks to the other side while the cross beams fell down and there were two sized beams and they weren't supposed to mix, the bigger ones went left and smaller one ´s  right, but especially when it got colder and my head busier, they went the wrong way and caused all sort of cleaning up to do, too... my lift was the starting point in a long chain of factory work.. they disappeared and who knows what happened to the planks before it was packaged neatly downstairs, I mean my mum worked at the opposite end of the line. I just saw her like once. It was fun to be in front of cameras I guess... the guy working closest to me I should get a job in front of cameras. Someone was there to turn the planks right side up? Some others were monitoring, I dunno... it was a pretty stressful job and I wish they had built the button station on the other side of the planks so I wouldn't have to run across and shit.. but yeah, I was never going to work with wood like make anything out of wood, but I don't mind a bit of oil and wood dust and noise... I bought my nokia sport phone from one of the bosses and probably paid more than it was worth, it smelled like oil and dust or rusty old man hands and wood dust but not permanently.. it lasted me quite long but anyways.. I'm talking about the only job I actually have had and nobody really even explained to me... I was just shown mostly how to do the thing.. the only instruction I got was someone who was from Tampere (the sawmill was in Osthrobothnia or whatever is west from Tampere and North from the coast, so it's quite a lot of fields and nothing)... so when ever my instructor talked, I could hear myself like, humming särkänniemeen, särkänniemeen... because Särkänniemi is the amusement park in Tampere and the jingle from their ad... I was born in Tampere, but not lived there like, ever, yet... When I was less than 10 years old, all I knew about Tampere was the mall Koskikeskus. I hopped in a buss once with a friend and went shopping there? I think I bought incence sticks, little cheap plastic bath bombs, and one of my aunts worked in a restaurant there so we got some of her ice cream or sorbet, and she slipped me some money too... with the incence sticks I burned a hole in my barbie. There was also some other shop I went with the friend, and I still might have the red eye shadow/blush thingy she bought me, or at least if I haven't thrown it away- it's my oldest piece of makeup I have... just take ten years off my age and that's how old that is..
So, what else did I do around 2007? I'm pretty sure I was on some forums, playing sims, downloading stuff off the internet, losing weight and rewarding myself with yaoi manga.. I was living alone upstairs in a little loft with walls made entirely of wood paneling. It was dead quiet out in that little village, and I was pretty alone ..some of my internet friends cared for me, then. One from Northern Finland in Uni sent me candy that I said we didn't get here,, or there. I remember her likes quite well,, too. She was into all sort of anime, metal, potter, can't remember what she was studying though. But yeah, it's not like I think of her green hair one halloween every time I see a bag of chips she liked the taste of (salt&vinegar). I don't think my internet friends realise they were almost my only friends at one time in my life, I mean I always had a friend or bff but.. I cared too much, I dunno. It all comes down to how many people can you actually keep contact with, like what's the limit, 300?150? I stopped counting around 100 in 2009-10 when I had this piece of paper of names I know people... old classmates, internet friends, you know, as if they mattered or me to them. But when I go to facebook and such, the names disappear because most don't want to keep contact with me, don't accept invitations from me, or worse don't recall me? I'll never know what I was like to them.. not that I'd ask, because I'd rather muffle a laugh than tell people how funny they are or how absurd I found it that they even were there... so whatever I might have a funny look on my face, but I am just holding down the words even though I was bursting with them in my head. But I knew it wouldn't have been funny or that they wouldn't have deserved it if I said what I was thinking. then it doesn't matter anymore, and all I remember is their weird looks to one another, and the dream I had about saying what I meant to, so I'm not even sure... where does it all get lost, in my memory? Peasants, internet friends, pen pals, instant messaging friends, messenger contacts, the difference is: nowadays I care less, people tell me less personal things I want to remember, I don't have a list of people who to exchange messages with, I have neighbours and I have one friend, I have my fiance, doggie. Who else are there? Remnants of people who used to mean to me like an escape... there are those who've drugged me and clinically inspect me and put labels on me, but they weren't trying to help...
Then there is my only relative who I know for certain is living with this disease, and I can't even remember meeting her. I have a bit of information from her letters. She had skepsis, a dancing disease, she wrote... in all capital letters, along with the letter was an old moldy book with pictures of std's people used to die from. Sigh, I guess whatever mum told her mum was good... saving myself for marriage or whatever they thought, cause I'd kept my virginity until like 2010. yeah but I had big plans about getting married and having dozen children, depending on the Chinese Years... I couldn't pick just one year in the future, but maybe not a goat or a dog year would've done it. I just didn't have anyone in my life of the opposite sex who would've liked me... and that is still the case until I met that dude who wanted to introduce me to their dog, his parents and whatever saying he loves me and crying over me sometimes.
ugh, I need to pee and he's home by the way

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