widjetti

26.5.17

don't say different, I won't unsay it

Had some sort of allergies lately. My eyes were red but not infected when I woke up around midnight. Maybe it's because of the dryness in our home air? But my nose is also tickling.
My period just won't stop. I feel like having tons of showers in a day but maybe just suffer the smell of my vagina, I dunno. There was a moment I was afraid I'm allergic to myself.
Not had any bite to eat this morning as of yet. Just been playing on the phone and vaping etc fed the dog and had a cup of coffee. Reminescencing about my weight ..how I was afraid to weigh a certain number so I kept throwing up if I ate too much but I'm four kilos now over that number. Stuck in a war on myself.
Last night I tried to fit in my corset and I was panting a lot, my tummy was full so I did have to go puke.. it's not like I binge and purge on purpose or any of that. Sometimes around the evening I just decide I ate too much today and try to get rid of it. Probably slows down my metabolism and it's a viscious cycle, or would be.
I want to exercise. But then I go back to being lazy and too poor to get a bus ride to town to get to the gym I haven't paid my bills on time since like months. My fiance hasn't got money either so I hope the entertainment channels he's using on his television will be cut off because of the bills not being paid.
I'm taking a little loan from my mom because on Monday I have got to pay for my phones, and I'm not getting any money before a week from now. I... yeah I'm lacking funds to pay anything right now, but I might have paid something by now if I hadn't lost the online bank passwords and re-order them.
Maybe I should install them on my tablet as well so in case my phone dies I will still have the apps at home to pay with... I guess. It was good advice.
Anyways. Money, the sniffles, period, weight issues. I bet I didn't take my antidepressant yesterday morning?
Alone at home on Friday. My friend cancelled our plans ..might do something next week instead.
Dog still needs his tooth removed. It has been on the to-do list since autumn. It's lucky he has food left. I'm guessing the raw stuff runs out of on Sunday, that we keep in the freezer. then it's mostly spam and dry nibbles and he'll be farting again and his poop will look disgusting.
anyways....anyways... what else... just keeping log of of the everyday
it isn't really anyones business, but who said I write to a reader. Mostly this is for me. At least I can see where my thoughts go. It's more room for misinterpretation when someone young, stupid or old enough to know better, is listening to what I say. So I write. I just want myself to be able to read. When my writings were judged as psychotic, I was just intelligent enough to hide my thoughts in a way that I got a lot of my thoughts wrapped in less. I'd rather not use a lot of grammar, I'd just form long sentences, key words, scram it all. If I read my text from then it doesn't even matter anymore because they killed her with the drugs and they let her down.
Anywayyyys

it's just filling the page with nonsense now. Not like old times. I thought hard all day what I would write and if you weren't me, you wouldn't know the struggle. Well, the struggle was real just not to anyone else than me. It's putting people down, peoples. When you don't believe what they do and say and just claim they hear things and calling you schizophrenic because it's all you've ever known and actually yeah, you are strangers to one another.

10am. This neighborhood sucks. If you live in a quiet area, it's not what it seems. Problems are everywhere. Solution is usually hidden in the question, tho.

I dunno.... I should read, draw, not write at the moment... I'm not even fueling myself for any type of creative activity. I could probably survive without eating quite a long bit.
Last night when I started being all body positive, I found out after a while that while it isn't that bad, I started panicking what if it really is bad and I'm a huge whale. Too many angles to look at myself from. I could look at the positive, negative, or just panic.

whatevs. I've been so done for so long. It's all just an afterthought.

No comments:

Post a Comment

"Dick." "Since you're a fat disgusting whore, and you deserve a swift death like the swine that you are. "

Jaahas... päivän paras kommentti vaihteeksi, Israelista (ihan niin kuin poets of the fallin fanit ei olisi sieltä päin eniten) mun deviantar...