anonyymit pysykää poissa! Kerjääminen kielletty

torstaina, joulukuuta 11, 2014

Alternative long letter swap intl. outgoing to Turkey!!!! wip

Dear, Violet Bohemian!First of all I got interested in your profile’s pepparkakor part… it’s Swedish for gingerbread biscuits J In my language they are piparkakut, a neighbouring country to Sweden a.k.a. Finland. I have some dough in my freezer right now and I should make some for the second time this festive time. Shops also sell them a lot in different makers and names and chocolate-covered etc. Usually they are decorated with sugar paste that can come in many colours.
But, this is an alternative long letter swap. I tried to prepare myself somehow for this, but as I said in my email, all the health care I’ve got has been happening in Finnish and it’s hard to explain some things… Finland has 10 times more involuntary admission notes to hospital than Denmark. I know some people have got one for being in trouble with neighbours about some renovation the landlord doesn’t want to make. It feels to me, like revenge from the government, to people who don’t fit in. People, who have gotten some diagnosis, or illness are called: ”syrjäytynyt”, which means outcast.I get a lot of comments in my blog which are very nasty. For example, they feel sympathetic to my mother who has such an annoying child as me, or most often calling me fat and ugly or stupid. I’m none of those things.Fine, I weigh a lot, but that has been because of the contribution of the SSRI and antipsychotic drugs to my appetite.I feel like my whole youth was lost, the best years of my life, from above twenty to today and probably affecting rest of my life since the illness I’ve been given is so ”fatal”. I was living in an old-fashioned rehabilitation home ”community” for a few years, after 4 months in hospital, and before I went to live on my own in my friend’s dad’s owned apartment for rent. I got in because some deaf-mute hockey player boy wanted to get out under from pipe and bathroom renovations that was going to last a few months… I stayed that time at my friend’s apartment in the centre of the city basically.My friend is my roommate from that time in the rehab home. Nowadays they (these rehabilitation patients, who I was, and perhaps still am…) have their own apartments near city centre and just share a common room, employee’s office and eating facilities together. They don’t need to participate and commit to cleaning a big old house, or making unhealthy easy quick food which everyone liked to eat in a big shared kitchen where people left mugs, plates etc. without putting them into a washing machine, and stole the shared foods… There was a morning meeting every day at 9am and they lasted for ages, depending on what each people had done during the weekend or the same morning… or hadn’t done. It was dreary.I haven’t been properly explained why I got this diagnosis. I read it and thought it was made-up and wanted to repeal it. Special doctor then just added my medication. All I’ve been explained are the medication. Maybe because so that I would take them… but I still get an injection every 3-4 weeks. L Doctor said I wasn’t taking my meds, when they had no effect (besides side effects). It’s a wonder I grew up to be a woman in all this mush what’s left of my brains after the drugs… I have always wanted to trust my own brain activity. It’s a useless mantra now.
 This is the mental hospital of Pitkäniemi (long peninsula). I’ve been there no more than a few times. Rooms are cold, people are crazy, nurses leave you all on your own, you can’t go outside or anywhere, the corridor is 100 steps long.I was in normal weight (well, just about. I had been exercising like crazy and the doctor just noted that this was not true. I’m still feeling like what anything matters then, if you can just pass all my achievements like that.)I gained about 10 kilos in 4 months. There isn’t anything to do except wait for food times. In rehab I gained about 10 kilos per year. On my own (getting to decide what to eat and how to exercise, If at all) I’ve gained 10 kilos in less than three years. I moved on my own in April 2012.When I was taken to that hospital by ambulance, from health centre, after taking to a nurse and the social work people I heard some nurses laughing that there someone goes to Pitkäniemi again, in passive… Nurse had said she can’t help me. What’s wrong with collecting pear seeds to get a kilo to kill myself? I had seen someone offer money for a kilo of pear seeds on some gardening forum and my msn messenger guy Randy Bullock talked about it. I didn’t understand what they said then, because never heard of the hospital and didn’t quite understand the institution I was held in. Of course I repealed at first. That I couldn’t even pee because of being so afraid of being in an institution. My nurse locked me up in solitary with drugs injected in my ass, because I had just come from a shower and just had a towel on was edging her with a brush, not to get any closer, because she was getting to my face and I was half-naked etc. From my diary she said I was schizoaffective.I was moved to another mental hospital two times. I got to go out to walk as much I wanted and even take a bus to the city sometimes, or join their swimming group and there was a little gym but only once a week I could really exercise. I started eating white bread and Nutella type spreads and tortilla chips when I got out shopping. Gained weight like crazy on my few last trips. There was a male psychologist who examined me. It was kinda clinical and all. According to it I had no social skills, had autistic logic and lived in my own big world of fantasy. I don’t think he mentioned anything about my intelligence or great hand co-ordination skills (with the block test). Not sure I was able to read the whole A4 paper of colours written in black in the given time, but I didn’t stop before I said all of them. Not sure what they’d say about that. I guess I didn’t have abnormal difficulties in saying the word written in another colour than what it was written on…Bleh. I hated my first examiner. She had claimed I didn’t look her in the eyes (she had glasses. I did not) and that I had negative symptoms and my concentration focused on something of no value/surroundings… How do they know what my adolescence has been? Are they guessing or are they analysing my journal..? I have freedom of speech and they have no right read some long sentences of mine in my face and make their own mind about what’s in them. Perhaps I didn’t mean Poets of the Fall (“Finnish band”) are paedophiles, maybe I just meant that when I say it aloud the name of the band sounds like paedophiles. Paedophiles should get a death sentence, but I guess in our law it’s not yet there. So, mercy for them. It’s only that I wasn’t a fan, and the singer’s girlfriend started calling me schizophrenic online though I didn’t know any of them and I was cut from any place they were talking about the band forum’s and communities. I felt outcast for no reason, so I felt unsecure and for no reason threatened the main singer’s life in IRC-galleria (used to be a place for teens to spy on their classmates etc) by making a community about it.Maybe it’s why they claimed I had only been on the computer on the Internet and in my own room, when I didn’t have the time, only at night’s maybe. I also made a report to the police about my aunt who broke my teeth with her fists when I was 17… so, police showed up at my grandparents where I was living at that time and asked my grandparents whether I was violent. It was late and might have included in the report something about that singer’s girlfriend too, or “unikissa” as she was named in that gallery site. Sigh. I was working a few days in an old people’s home until they told me it wasn’t my place, and in there you might actually hear someone ranting about “dream cat’s. “, or unique cats... not sure what that nickname means. In Dr. Sleep there was a cat and the boy from the Shining and they worked together to help old people to cross over to death.AnywayI should get laundry from downstairs and I’ve been listening to my new Kiesza CD for longer than I should in one day. I bought it, so it would be in my top artists that I listen, on site. I’ve listened on average 6 songs every day since 2006… top artists are seether, lady gaga, snow patrol, HIM and Melanie C… there’s Jennifer Lopez and the 69 Eyes and Evanescence.2008 and 2009 was hard. Because I was losing weight from 80 kilos to 67 kilos, and living with grandparents. I don’t think they cared much of else except whether I kept my room clean and I have never been good at that. I tried driving school, I had difficulties with my Finnish exam from high school. All was going on, even tries at different city jobs they offered to me. I was taken while I was at handicrafts centre of my city, where I had lived first 10 years of my life, but no one remembered me (except for one girl who I had teased in some outdoor game chasing the flag e.g.) and I had spent my school years on two different localities. I still don’t own a proper dialect of my country from the West, because I lived near the coast and also on the countryside and now in middle of Finland, where people talk the slowest of the country. My dad hates the coast dialect. There is a joke that goes, what’s the best thing about the whole city? Answer: Road sign to the other city…Well,I’ve been writing blogs for about ten years. I started around 2004 or 2003. I was a fan of Seether since 2003 when they had their song Broken with Amy Lee. I think I found it on some yahoo music site. People my age then in that countryside weren’t even sure if they knew what angst was.A Harry Potter fan I’ve been around 16 years maybe. I read them on 5th or 6th grade. The girl who recommended them to me, is probably already a doctor. Doing her thesis on colour sight of diabetic peoples.I met some of my classmates a few years ago. I had short wild spiky lilac hair. And a black dress that only fits me now, it was too big then. We did nightclub, mini-golf, pizza etc. My heart broke when I had to leave them. Like in London where I was in England as an exchange student 2005-2006, I cried from the bottom of my heart because I missed my exchange student friends so much after just a few days seeing each other’s.


pääsin näin pitkälle.

2 kommenttia:

  1. Katoin instagramista etä se sun lontoonmies on tulossa suomeen? aiotko nähdä sitä, kenties harrastaa seksiä? mikä teidän suhde nykyään on?

    1. chattaillaan aina silloin tällöin snapchatissa sen kanssa. kai me jotain kimppaa keksitään, mikäli se tulee Suomeen.